Reviews

'My Forgotten Sister' for MissMalik 16

Summery: Poppi is Demi Lovato's long lost sister, they meet in the Starbucks Poppi works at when they're around 18. 

Good points: It's a fairly unusual storyline and certainly has the potential to be very good. I also like that the story, so far, doesn't seem to be based around girls and guys falling in love but more about family. 

Grammatical errors: Your lack of capitol letters is a little irritating, the start of every new sentence should start with a capitol. Your conversations are also messy, you should really be using speech marks not colons and a new speaker deserves a new paragraph. Relating to that, separate subjects, ideas and opinions by paragraphs also. And, this is just a suggestion, you may find it easier to write in third person if you're going to be switching perspective that often, it makes it less confusing for the reader and they can sink into the story without being distracted by author's notes. 

What needs to be improved: The story is a little unrealistic, most of what has happened seems to have happened very quickly and by complete chance. You have all the time you need so put in descriptions of emotion and give the reader a sense of place, this will encourage them to read on and allow them to connect to characters before major plot twists, it will force them to react and therefor comment more. 

How to do this: Think about your day to day life and how that goes, have you ever walked into a Starbucks, found your long lost sister and recognised her straight away before? I like to make mind maps before I write anything so that I can come up with realistic scenarios. Again, use mind maps to write description, like they teach you in English, think about what you can see, smell, hear and feel and use the journalistic questions too (who, what, when, where, how, why)!

Keep going and you could develop a really interesting, lovely story, it's just little things tripping you up. As i've suggested to a few others, it might be in your best interest to get a beat reader.