Little Bitch

Chapter 43

This seemed to interest her more. "I've actually never been to a concert," she admitted.

Somehow, this surprised me. She loved music so much. It would have made sense for Daphnee to bring her to some random music show. "Really?"

"Yeah. Have you?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "Every summer when I'm in Europe. I go with my cousins. And Josh sometimes when he decides to come with us."

"Does Josh travel a lot with your family?"

"Josh is family, so yeah."

Lexi looked like she was deep in thought for a second, eating a bit and finally said, "You know, now that you mention it, I'd love to see Jimmy Eat World in a concert. And Kings on Leon. And Fefe Dobson. And yeah, many many other singers and bands."

I beamed at this. "Ah! See, I found something you wanted to do in your future that doesn't stress you out."

"Good Blakey-Boy," Lexi replied, chuckling a little while leaning over the table to pat my cheek.

We talked more, about traveling and concerts and which artists I'd seen and which was my favorite, and then we talked more about nonsense, just happy to be in each other's presence.

When we drove back to my house, I put on a best of Paul Anka album and Lexi and I sang along to Put Your Hand on My Shoulder and Diana. We were both off tune and completely awful, but Lexi was having a blast and it just made me happy.

While we were having dinner, Josh had texted me about leaving a present for Lexi at the house, and calling him back, so when we got home, I let Lexi go to my room and went to look for whatever weird thing Josh had gotten my girlfriend.

He had said that he'd left it in the entry, but I couldn't see it, so I headed to the kitchen, to see if Anita wasn't there and knew where it was, but instead found my mother there.

She smiled at me, waving. "Hi."

"Hey," I replied, feeling yet again awkward.

"Did you guys have a nice time?" she asked me, knowing where I'd been.

"We did," I only answered, not offering anything more.

She nodded, still smiling, obviously trying to ignore the awkward mood. "That's great."

"Josh said he left something for me," I said, trying to get to the point.

"Ah, yes, he came by, and I think left it in the living room."

I frowned a bit. If he'd left it in the living room that probably meant they'd sat there and chat. That was the only reason why he would have been in the room. "Did you guys chat?"

"A bit."

Once again, I felt like asking her about Jayden and Josh, but also knew that it wasn't my secret to tell.

Honestly, I had no idea how Josh had managed to keep that secret to himself for so long. I'd know for barely more than a week and I kept feeling like I needed to tell literally everyone around me.

I thought I was a lot better at keeping secrets than this.

"That's good. Josh's been a little down lately, I think."

She pursed her lips a bit. "It's Jayden's death anniversary soon. He's always sadder around that time. We all are."

It was really not the time to get into this right now. I should be going back to my room, to Lexi. Today wasn't about me and about my issues, it was about my girlfriend's birthday.

But now my mother was mentioning this

I started to talk, being careful, trying to find the right words. "I think one of the reasons why I've been so angry about all of... you know... is because... I always felt like you guys liked Jayden better than me. And because I'm mad at him too, but I can't actually be mad at him, because he's not here anymore. But you guys are there, and I can focus all my anger on you," I admitted.

This was literally the worse time to get into this.

She looked sad again. I should really stop making my mother sad all the time. "I can't tell you not to feel how you feel. I love you and Jayden equally, but if you don't feel that way, it's our fault, not yours. I'm sorry again. For failing you. For not being the parents you deserved. If it can help, you can stay angry. You can be as angry as you need."

"I just don't really know how to feel. I don't know what to do to stop being angry at you."

"It's okay. Really, you can be angry at me forever. If it can help you cope with what happened, I'm ready to be the subject of your anger. It's the least I can do as your mother."

This felt like such an awful thing to ask of her. I hated it.

"I really want to stop being angry at you and dad. I don't want to waste energy being mad. It's exhausting," I admitted, feeling tired all of a sudden.

"It's more than I deserve right now. So thank you," she replied with a sad smile.

This was a start I guessed. 

I smiled back at her a little and then said, "I'm gonna go now."

"Okay."

I waved at her. "Good night."

"Good night," she replied waving back.

I left the room, and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself.

This was a step forward, in a direction where I could eventually stop being angry.

I had too many things to be happy about right now to let my life be ruled by that anger.

I nodded to myself, resolute in focussing on the happy stuff and not the sad one.

And a big part of the happy stuff was probably waiting in my room right now.

So, I went to the living room, grabbed Josh's present and went back to my happiness. 

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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D

How did we like the additions to Lexi's birthday? I wanted to add some more conversations. Also, step by step, I'm trying to mend the relationship between Blake and his parents. It's gonna be a long road, but we'll get there eventually. 

In other news, I talked about trying to read more last week. So, this week I FINALLY finished reading One Last Stop. It took me... like three months to finish it. I suffered guys. I really did. Anyone else read it? Am I the only one? I like a romance built on dialogue and this story just skipped the whole falling in love process and basically told it to me instead of showing it to me. Anyway. Yeah. Also. Sex in the subway. Just no. All I could think was like, Jane can't wash, she must be MAD crusty. All of it felt off. And it just reminded me, I reaaaaally need to write a decent f/f story. I actually have an work in progress. Eventually. I'll upload it. XD Toooo many stories, as always. 

Anyway! I should go. I got some more writing to do. And I have to go to bed semi-early because I think my best friend and I are gonna go get breakfast in the old city, and then got to a café so I can write, and she can do her report of our trip to New York for her job. Still trying to be more productive here. If I repeat it over and over again, maybe I'll actually be eventually. XD

Alright. Going! Thank you so much for reading this chapter! See y'all next week. I LOVE YOU GUYS! <3