The Desperate Attempt To disappear

Diary 01

If ever you read this and thought of me as stupid or childish, please just stop.

I know what you'll think about me after you read this note/diary of mine. I wrote it here because I have no one to talk to, and it is just so f*cking hard to live.

Everything written in here expresses my true thoughts and feelings. If you have something negative to say, I just want to tell you to shut the f@ck up. I don't give a sh*t about your opinion.

If you can somehow relate to this... Well, I'm sorry.

Life sucks.

****************

First of all, there are things that keeps on running inside my mind. Because of that thoughts, I always expect that whenever I am in a argument, especially in my family, no one will ever listen to me, and in the end I will be the loser.

Honestly I have always been the loser. It's rare for me to win a fight in between my family, even if my reasons were sometimes justified.

Well, I think it is because nobody listens to me.

Whenever I try to explain, they refuse to listen because they thought that they're right so I just shut up. But, they're just becoming more and more furious because of my silent response from their shouts. Whenever I request something from them, it always becomes an argument which results to me being heavily scolded by my parents, which felt so unfair. I was always in the losing end.

The older I get, the more detached I feel towards my family, but I never told them that cuz' the result will be disastrous.

They will feel hurt and I will become the villain.

They won't comfort me.

They will never do that. Instead, they will just get angry and shout at me. At least, that's how I imagined it of what their reactions will be if ever they knew my thoughts.

I wanted to shout and cry so badly but it was so hard to show my tears from everyone.

My earnest wish is for me to disappear.

***

There was a time when I wanted to express my feelings. So, I kinda hint them of what I feel, but they thought of it as a joke and laughed. Since then, I never tried expressing how I really feel.

Oh! I remember writing my feelings in a notebook as my diary. But while I was unaware, they took it and started reading it. They were somewhat angry and forbid me to write those things again.

And I obeyed them.

I never thought of writing my feelings in a notebook again since I was afraid that history will repeat itself.

I also have trust issues.

I never told anyone my secrets, well except for the ones that they already know.

I have experienced betrayal for so many times both from my family and friends. I really don't like how it felt.

Whenever I tried to tell my secrets to someone, I always overheard them sharing it to someone behind my back even if I told them not to tell anyone. It made me sad and furious. But I never showed them how angry I am and just act like everything Is okay. I just distanced myself from them a little and decided not to trust again.

There was 1 time that my feelings were crushed because of a certain person.

I never told him any secrets. He just simply betrayed me.

I was in grade six at that time. I have a friend that was so kind to me and was fun to be with. I sometimes ask that person to buy me ice waters and in return I gave him a few pieces of penny as my thanks.

We became close and I thought of him as my real friend.

I was so happy because I only have a few circle of friends that I can call as a true friend.

He never said anything bad in front of my face so I wholeheartedly befriended him.

One day the teachers told us that the whole grade six and 1 of the grade 5 section will collaborate to help each other for the voting of the upcoming election for the school's student council.

That day came.

We were all busy and I was so nervous because I was one of those who are selected to assist the students and write the votes on the black board Infront of the students.

My hands were shaking.

When it was all over, the teachers gathered all of us sixth graders into the fifth grader's room to count all the votes for the overall result.

My friends and I meet and shared our experiences. He was there too.

He suddenly left our circle of friends to talk to the boys from the other sections.

At first it was okay.

Not until I heard my name in between their conversations.

I can clearly hear them since they were near where I am. I heard them calling me names and he laughed so d*mn hard.

I was very surprised.

I discovered that he used to insult me with his group of friends even before we became close.

He was so engrossed on insulting me that he hadn't realized that I was looking at them the whole time.

I was so hurt that I don't even know how to react.

Suddenly, I made eye contact with one of his friends in that insulting group conversation session.

And that very same 'friend' is my crush