Where The Thistles Meet The Thicket

Mary Beth

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Nerves ate away at my stomach like a moth on an old shirt. My lunch sat in front of me untouched, the thought of eating unbearable. Katie was talking animatedly, unaware of the nausea swirling in my gut. We were about to see the OB for the first time. More importantly, I was about to see the little bean growing inside me for the first time.

With each passing day, the love I had for the growing life inside me grew. The idea that there would be one beautiful thing that came out of the hell that the past year had been comforting me and gave me hope for the future. The fear of finding out that the baby was hurt or worse, that they couldn't find a heartbeat had kept me up for nights. I couldn't wait to be done with the appointment and back home with Joseph.

Joseph. A swarm of butterflies erupted in my chest for a new reason. The all-encompassing, floaty feeling of being in-love was back and, though I had never fell out of love with the man, it was stronger than I remember it ever being. I wanted to spend every waking moment with him, touching him, talking to him, holding his hand. It was like I was a lovesick preteen again, hardly able to think about anything other than all things Joseph.

The forehead kisses and casual touches were no longer enough. I wanted to lay next to him, feel his arms around me, kissing my lips and neck and body like he used to. The thought of him kept me going all those times I wanted to give up, there was never any doubt that I was still in love with Joseph Johnson, even two hours away and a year apart. Being back in his vicinity brought the feelings back like a tsunami. I was the wreckage that never stood a chance beneath the tidal wave.

As Joseph healed, it was apparent that the confusion grew with each passing day. He had spent the last year thinking I chose Brian over him, so he sometimes had a hard time believing that the man didn't mean anything to me. Jo always did what was right. He loved the Lord and he loved the law. He didn't know how to approach this uncharted territory. How was he supposed to heal a relationship with the woman he loved, when she married a man to keep him safe? Was the marriage null and void now that the truth was out?

I knew that I would take him any way I could have him. It wasn't an option for me to be separate from him anymore. I was still legally married, but I planned to file for divorce as soon as I could. In fact, I spoke with a lawyer with Daddy just a few days ago. My heart had always belonged to Joseph.

He was getting better each day, the horrific pain episodes waning to once a day, if at all. He was able to use the walker and walk from the front doorway to his bedroom to the dining room without any assistance. He was eating more and had more lucid moments than not. He hadn't spiked a fever in three days. I couldn't be more proud of his progress. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a small smidge of pride that I had been there to help him and that he seemed to do better when I was present.

Leaving today had felt like leaving a limb at home. Jo spent the morning alternating between napping and practicing his brain exercises with me. Despite the amazing strides he was taking, the stimulation exhausted him, causing him to develop headaches that couldn't be relieved unless he was sleeping. He was taking one of those naps when Katie came to tell me it was time to leave. Joseph knew I had an appointment today with the "bruise doctor", but I hated leaving without telling him I was going. Both of us seemed to be experiencing some form of separation anxiety when apart. Alanna told me that, if I didn't stay the night and didn't have a chance to say good bye, Joseph would wake up in a panic, sure that the past few days had been some kind of dream. I found myself pinching my skin often, worried I'd wake up returned to the nightmare I had escaped from.

Before leaving, I drank in the sight of the man in front of me before stooping to kiss the stubbled skin of his head. "I'll be right back," I whispered, hoping he wouldn't wake up too long before I returned. Jo's lips turned upwards in his sleep.