Where The Thistles Meet The Thicket

Mary Beth

It took thirty minutes to get Joseph to the dining room table fifteen feet away from his room. Gone was the man that could easily run for miles or do flips off of the deck into our pond. In his place was a fragility that terrified me. Each step was agonizing and grueling to him. His sisters had to coax him and sometimes help him pick up his feet along the way. I wanted to run away and sob for hours, I felt so guilty. I could only think of the times I laid in bed feeling sorry for myself, thinking that Jo was in a happy relationship, working the job he loved, not making any sacrifice but our friendship.

I should have known that the man I had fallen in love with wouldn't have changed a bit. He was still selfless to a fault. He was still more hardworking than anyone I had ever met. And he still loved me far more than I deserved.

Jo was embarrassed, God so clearly embarrassed. He kept looking back at me and his eyes were filled with a shame he didn't merit. So once we got him settled into his father's chair at the end of the small table, which had armrests that were needed to keep Jo from falling over, I kissed his forehead again and held his hand as I took the chair beside him.

Joseph's parents were watching from the kitchen and at first, I thought the scowl on Mr. Johnson's face was directed at me, but then he briefly lifted the corners of his mouth when we met eyes and I understood he was hurting for his son as much as all of us were. Joseph's father took a seat at the table and began talking about his day to fill the silence. He explained that Joseph's little brother, Luke, was at a sleepover for the night and that his older brother, Josh. now lived five minutes down the road with his family but they usually only came for dinner on Sundays. Joseph seemed to be listening but the glaze was back in his eyes.

Mrs. Johnson was finishing a pot roast and the girls left the room to help, so I let go of my grip on Joseph's hand to get up too. Joseph tried to object but his reflexes were too slow. I would have stayed but I didn't want him to see me cry anymore, so I needed to get up fast. In the kitchen, Joseph's back turned to us, Alanna wiped a tear and pushed her closed fists against her eyes. Katie fell into her mother's open arms, dragging me into the hug as well. "It's just the season of life we're in, babes," Mrs. Johnson whispered. "We will get him through this together."

I wondered again at what I had lost the last year and even before that. I used to spend so much time here and I had bitterly missed this family with an ache that hurt worse than any bruise. I had lost important time with my best friend, lost my virginity, lost myself. And I wanted all of it back, desperately. If I could go back and never listen to my parents or anybody saying I should go on a date with that disgusting man, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I couldn't, and now I had a baby inside me reminding me of what I've been through. A baby that I wished had a different father but that I would still love the same.

At the table, the conversation was meant to be as normal as possible. How was your day and what did you do today went around the table until it stopped at Joseph who hadn't touched his food or even attempted to grab his fork. He was ramrod straight, a grimace on his handsome face. On closer inspection, I could detect a vein in his temple that seemed to be throbbing. His hands were gripped tightly on his lap like he was trying his very hardest not to let on how horrible he was feeling, how hard he was working to sit upright.

We all caught on at the same time and the dining room went silent. "Son," Mr. Johnson started. "Can I do anything to help you?" Joseph shook his head almost imperceptibly.

"Bubba, I can help feed you." Alanna was already moving to get to him but Mrs. Johnson put her hand on Alanna's, halting her movement.

"Maybe we pushed you too hard. It's not even close to the time for more pain meds," Katie said, checking the clock.