𝑺𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒔

𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚁𝚃𝚈-𝚃𝚆𝙾

My eyebags were eyebagging and at some point, I began rethinking the thought of not using makeup to school. If I did, it would cover up the eyebags and make my face appear vibrant, without me having to get through the day with faux smiles and faking interests in things that didn't appeal to me, so that I wouldn't sell myself out. My eyes were blank, void of any life in them. Just hollow. I wasn't even fazed at the sight of it. At least, I didn't look like I just escaped a mental home.

I was just...dull. Yeah, that's the word.

I picked up my facial products and wiped my face clean with my facial wipes before proceeding to apply my face cream, undereye-cream, moisturizer and sunscreen to give my face a much brighter look. And by the time I was done, I looked less dead. Pretty, even. I packed them up and tried looking for my hair wax, pulling the drawers attached to my dresser open. I picked up the black bag I laid my eyes on, unzipping it and freezing at the sight of them.

Syringes, pills and...more pills. Sleeping pills. The sight of it was...appealing, and I found my fingers brushing over them, taking out a sealed plastic container, which I knew was filled to the brim with pills that would bring me so much peace if I used them. I would be able to sleep soundly. I would be fine and wouldn't have to deal with this terrible headache that threatened to split my head into two. All I had to do was just take a few.

Take a few...

Take a few...

Just a few pills and then, peace. Some quiet. Not the usual loudness in my head.

"A few pills, Kira," I popped the lid open, tapping the container on my palms and the round white pills dropped on my palms. I stared at it. For a very long time. All I had to do was take a few and then, all this would go away but why was I hesitating? Why couldn't I swallow them? Why were my hands trembling so badly? Why was my breath so shaky and why were tears pooling in my eyes?

"You are so pathetic, Niniola! Pathetic!" I screamed at my reflection in the mirror.

"You can't even take them!" I yelled.

You can't take them because you know you would start spiralling so badly.

The bitter truth.

I couldn't take them because I knew I was going to start depending on them again, injecting myself and stuffing myself with pills, so that I could sleep. It wasn't healthy and I wanted to stop. I didn't want to take them anymore. Fucking hell! I got up from my seat, causing the chair to sound with a loud screech and then, I threw the bag on the dresser and marched into the bathroom, where I dumped the pills in my hands into the water closet and flush them out.

Loud, uneven breath left my lips as I paced around the bathroom, trying to control my punched and bruised breathing and the tears that pooled in my eyes. I couldn't cry. I mustn't cry because all that I just applied would get smeared and I would have to wash them off. I groaned, and stormed out of the bathroom, slamming the door shut. I walked to my dresser and rested on the edge, taking slow, deep breaths and...it worked. Slowly.

I couldn't stay in this room for one more second. I had to leave. It was starting to get so suffocating and then, staying longer would ruin my plan. I didn't want that. I picked up my bag and took my phone, ambling out of the room.

"Shakira, this is just 4:58. Do you have something you want to do at school?" Mama Heather asked and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.