The Divorcee Murder Club

Cincuenta Y Ocho ~ 58

It’s my fault.

I should have never made that deal with Richie.

“Where is your head right now?” Gwen asks, and my attention flicks to her. 

For a moment, I forgot that I was sitting in her office for one of our sessions.

“Mindy,” I say.

“What about her?”

“I wish I could have stopped what happened. They say she won't be able to walk again.”

“It will be difficult as she transitions into a new life in a wheelchair, but you’re not responsible for her ex-husband shooting her, Miguel. Unless…” Gwen waves her hand. “You know what, never mind.”

“No, what were you going to say?” 

“Nothing. If it’s related to whatever illegal shenanigans you’re involved with, I don’t want to know.”

“That’s fair. I guess it’s a guilt I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. That is my penance.”

“Sometimes we have burdens we wear like an albatross. The guilt may never go away, but you can heal by learning what to do differently in the future. We are capable of continuous evolution. Like snakes shedding their old skin.”

“I’m a snake?”

“You can be. You’ve made a lot of progress. I’m glad that we’re able to have productive discussion now. Instead of you fighting me at every step.”

“Gwen.” I run a hand over my head, chewing her words. “You always give great advice, but what the fuck does wearing an albatross mean?”

She chuckles, “It comes from an old folklore poem. A group of fishermen go out to sea, and during their voyage, an albatross follows their boat. This particular bird was believed to bring good luck. However, one fisherman decided to shoot the albatross, which riled up the rest of the crew. Killing the bird meant bad luck for them. So they forced this fisherman to wear the dead albatross around his neck as punishment. Unfortunately, it didn’t prevent their bad luck. Each crewmate began to die of sickness, and the fisherman had to watch it happen. His actions caused their misfortune.”

“Am I the fisherman? For the last few weeks, my actions have done nothing but hurt everyone else.”

“Our actions will always have a rippling effect on others, so we must take ownership when we cause harm. From there, we can make amends, but we can only do that if we choose to change and not repeat those mistakes. You’re taking ownership, Miguel. It’s a good step forward.”

The doorbell chimes through an intercom in Gwen’s office, and she glances at her watch. “That must be my Amazon order. Excuse me. I want to grab it before someone steals my package.”

“Go for it. Just holler if you need me to fight a porch thief.” 

“Will do,” Gwen laughs and exits the office.

The door remains open as I sit here, meditating on our conversation. My impulsiveness has turned me into that fisherman. In my need to protect, I’ve only made things worse through knee-jerk reactions. But who am I kidding? A lot of it wasn’t a need to save. It was a need to pound my chest like a gorilla demonstrating dominance. What if Richie’s threat had been an empty one that night at Penthouse when I kicked him out? I was a nobody to him. Maybe he would have forgotten about me. Instead, I took matters into my own hands by kidnapping him, which caused a rippling effect that almost killed Mindy.

Leaning forward, with elbows on my knees, I rub my temples.

But I can change. 

I can do better.