Anastasia

𝙼𝚢 𝚙𝚎𝚗

"Ana eat." Matteo says lifting my head from off of the lunch table. I groan and put my head back down before feeling a pair of hands on my waist lifting me up.

"we aren't doing this again." I say annoyed because I only let him feed me the first time because I was sad.

"come on" he says standing up with me in his arms "where are we going?" I ask and he just keeps walking.

he walks me out the lunchroom then out of the school and then he sits me in his car.

"what's wrong?" he asks and I look at him fake confused "what do you mean" I say when I know exactly what he means. "Anastasia in 3 days we're going to Paris to find your sister, and you haven't said one word about it since you found out." he says

"Matteo I don't know why you feel like i'm going to just tell you my whole life story when I don't know you." I say because I know better than to overshare to people I don't know

"I know you though." He says slightly raising his voice

"You don't! you don't know me, you don't know what i've been through!" I say now yelling.

the car is silent. like dead silent. like i'm scared to breathe loudly right now.

"If you tell me stuff and open up maybe you wouldn't feel the way you feel right now." he says calmly.

"ok so tell me about you then." I say because he literally never talks about himself and he looks at me confused "go ahead tell me about you, since you're so keen on figuring me and how I don't open up tell me about yourself. tell me about your relationship with your family, and why you have a need to take care of me, tell me about your past. you know what tell me why there's a semicolon on your arm" I say suddenly feeling really bad I just said that.

That was not my place to say that. at all. "i'm sorry." I say breaking the silence. "I'm so sorry" I say again "i can't take back what I said because I said it and i had full control that was not my place to say that I'm so so sorry, it's" I ramble but Matteo cuts me off

"get out." is all he says and I don't fight it. I open the door but instead of going back to school I go home.

2 hours later.
"skipping school, really this is what we're doing?" I hear my father say walking upstairs to my room. "shit." I say as he reaches my door. "shit is right, we're here for you. to make life better for you. so your not in that house being constantly reminded of them" He says angrily

"I didn't want to be there." I simply answer. "she didn't wanna be there." he whispers to himself "do you know the amount of shit I don't want to do that i have to do every fucking day" he yells again

"I don't want to go to France to find my daughter that I should've already had. I don't want to work my ass off everyday for you, protecting you. I don't want to get a call from you're fucking principal saying you skipped school." He yells getting louder and louder

"You know what I don't want, To be here! we moved here for you. to make you happy! so you aren't in that house every fucking day being reminded that the person you love is dead. you don't want to be close to family remembering when we all were so happy at family reunions. not me, you!" I yell back and he stays quiet

great the second time today i've hurt someone's feelings

"pack your shit Anastasia, if you don't wanna be here so fucking bad on our way back from Paris you can stay with your cousins in Greece. you think you're so damn tough but you won't last by yourself. sure your aunts and uncles love you but you think they want to stay with an ungrateful brat every fucking day? go. i don't give a shit. " He says slamming my door.

"Fuck you." I yell. I get up and go to my closet pulling suitcases out and throwing shit in, tears now streaming down my face. I throw shit in my bags and zip them up.

yk what fuck this.

I run to my light switch and turn my lights off.

I go back to my closet and pull out a cropped vintage tee and my nike pros. I throw my hair in a bun and lay down on my bed trying to sleep.

Tears stream down my face as I replay what happened with Matteo. I fucked it up. I was pissed about him asking questions about my past and now he hates me.

I continue to twist and turn my breath now speeding up. I sit up in my bed and cry, I start to pick at my skin. I can't stop I keep hitting my thigh over and over again hoping it'll calm me down but it's not.

I roll my eyes and turn to my night stand pulling out a razor blade

Ana no. no no no no. ana don't do this to yourself. please ana you're going to regret it.

I stare at my leg thinking to myself. more and more tears fall and I don't know what to do. I rarely have a voice tell me not to do this but something's different about this voice.

I throw the blade across the room and scream. I don't know what to do. I sit crisscross and pick at my thigh over and over again. I can't do this. I don't want to do this.

But I do. i need to. I don't want thoughts and I can't go to sleep I take a pen out my night stand and click the top repeatedly on a rhythm to calm me down.

It's something I learned from a therapist I had and it works. I continue to click the pen.

click. one. two. click. one. two.

my breathing calms down as I and I start to slide down my bed to the point where I'm laying down. The clicking of the pen gets slower and slower as I drift off to sleep

A/N
I'm so sorry to anyone who's gone through this but I wrote this part in honor of me 'fighting my demons' and reaching 2 months sober.
stay beautiful.drink water.I love you all
bye my lovessss
- Maria