She'd taken a few courses, trying to ease back into things. The experience was a little different than before. Going back, knowing that most of the people she'd been friends with were done with this and now out in the real world. It was daunting.
She'd been trying to get over the melancholy that she and Chan were over. Like really, really through. When they were far apart, she couldn't quite visualise it. It felt like they were on a break, or the distance was a barrier; the one and only problem. She'd take a flight back and everything would be back to normal.
They'd kiss and slap a bandage on each other.
But it wasn't that simple. When she landed, the distance between them seemed to widen to an impossibly wider length. She avoided Chan. Chan avoided her. When they were together, awkwardness and tension filled the room.
Chan didn't want her. Hyunjin didn't want her. Nobody wanted her.
Two heartbreaks in just one year were sure to kill her.
Hyunjin wanted her, wanted her in those first few moments, when everything was building up. When things were simple. Hyunjin would fill her up with cotton and pills; and in exchange she'd offer the body he helped her sustain.
Sex was almost all they shared. Hyunjin told her that was his intention from the beginning but she deluded herself into thinking that she was special enough to make him change his mind.
To him, she was just another beautiful body in the ocean of thinner, whiter much prettier bodies.
But it wasn't his fault. It was hers. She knew it.
He told her many times that he could not give her more than he was willing to offer. He was there merely as a distraction, keeping her from crying over Chan. He was there to guide her and teach her little secrets and tricks to get ahead in a cutthroat industry.
But she deluded herself. Why couldn't she be the one he took to museums, showed abstract paintings to and share less than exciting anecdotes about the dog he's renting a house for back in his home country?
Why wasn't she ever enough?
She'd been filled with a lot of negative emotions last half of the year, after Hyunjin had left for the states. A high demand model like him couldn't stay behind, and wait for her. He was a big fish in a big fond, and he could not waste time with the likes of her.
He warned her that he'd have to leave sometime. That he couldn't stay one place too long, it was the requirement of the job. He warned her but she still couldn't help but be shocked when he left. She didn't know how attached she become to the man.
After that she felt so lost. Not finding happiness in anything she was doing. Finding out this life was not what she thought it would be, it wasn't for her. She returned home as soon as she could. Missing the comfort home brought. But home didn't feel the same.
She withdrew.
She went out less. Ate less. Cried more. Before she knew it, she was skipping lessons and sleeping more. She was always tired, so low on energy and no one was there to keep her accountable and wake her up for lessons behind the door to her dorm room.
She kept indulging in that pattern, drowning in self-pity and a fatigue she'd never known of. Until one day, she fell asleep and when she woke up, she was surrounded by red and blue lights and her body was placed on a stretcher.
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Mistake || Bangchan
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