Perfect Flaws

11. A Dead Baby's Breath

Rhea

It's been 6 hours since I grabbed what I barely had to call my own, and left Elijah's house. I stayed the night, and woke up early. I have no clue where I'm staying, or if I can even consider staying in Aepresea.

I would ask Gabriel, after we practically made out in the lake, and laid on the blanket for the last few hours, but considering that was our first date, I don't want to bombard him with that responsibility.

In all honesty, I'd rather go back to Ovantasa. I'd rather hug Bellie, and tell her how much I miss her. Tell her that the boy she somewhat raised, was no longer here. Tell her the girl she watched grow up, was fading into someone she doesn't know.

But I can't do that.

Regardless of the love, and need for comfort, and to be told everything is okay. I don't want it. I don't want pity. I don't want love.

I want bitterness. I want to crumble into nothing. I want my guilt to go away. I want revenge. I want hatred, blind hatred, because I won't get my parents back. I won't get Allen back. Unfortunately, I won't get her back. The little girl who was excited to rule her kingdom. To inherit the title of Queen. The little girl who would sit against a door, leading into a meeting room. Listening to all the crazy formalities, and words I didn't understand, but I was excited to one day be able to say them.

Where did you go? Where are you hiding? Because, I can't find you anymore.

Everything just hurts.

It all hurts because it's reality. It isn't fake. None of it was a stupid dream. No, instead it's my life. My mom, my dad, my Allen.

Allen.

He's gone. Bled to death.

Grace Windsor, and Christopher Windsor.

Gone. Drowned.

Me.

Insane.

I'm losing myself. I already lost them.

Allen promised me, he had just reassured me he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't leaving me.

Well, he lied. He lied bigtime.

My parents told me they'd be back in a week. They lied.

They all lied, and none of them are here for me to forgive them. Who's next?

I'm walking on eggshells in my own mind. Stopping myself from thinking about one topic, to the next.

Who said it was okay for good people to die? When was that just a decision to be made? I sure as hell didn't get a say.

I'm so angry. I'm exhausted. I'm unhinged. My emotions are everywhere. I can't think straight. I don't even want to think straight. I cry without noticing. Three strangers have asked me if I was alright.

I just want them. I just want myself.

I'm so fucking angry, with my parents, with Allen. With myself, because I didn't realize how real the situation was. To how numb I've been. I'm mad at Elijah for saying the shit I think, out loud. I'm mad at Gabriel for making me feel good when I hate the world.

Because that's how I feel. I don't even know why, but I do.

My mind is chaotic. It swirls in desperation for a breath. But I'm dying. I don't have any more breaths to give. I'm losing it.

I can't be who I need to be.

I'm reckless, I'm insane.

I'm a dying baby's breath, mom.