My Soldier (Bucky Barnes)

I'm Tired Of It

-ANASTASSIA POV- 

I was heading back to the kitchen feeling sickly due to hunger. I had just rounded up the corner and was headed to the lounge and kitchen area door when I heard the rest of the team talk about something. I heard them mention my name so, I decided to stand close to the door and listen to what they spoke about me. "But seriously, we need to look out for her. She is a little sensitive for now.'' I heard Wanda say. "I believe we must keep a close attention towards Miss Dvorvak. I see them doing stress painting. They aren't eating enough either." Vision stated. "Wait, she's not eating? I saw have dinner with us last night." it was Bucky who spoke now. "Miss Dvorvak have been throwing up at night for a few days. I checked in with what FRIDAY has observed it in a weekly pattern." How dare he just out me like that? "Why didn't you ever tell us?" Nat asked him now.

Whatsoever happens, they aren't supposed to know what happens to me when I'm in my safe space. My room was supposed to be my safe space. These guys just threw my privacy out of the window without thinking. "What matters right now is that we got to check on her. She shouldn't be feeling like this. Poor girl." It was Wanda who spoke. Why are they saying this about me. I don't need their sympathies. "We got to talk to her therapist soon enough." Steve commented. "We got no idea of what she could be doing other than starving herself." Fuck it. I can't handle them talking about me like this now. Tears were spilling from my eyes again for the third time this day. Without caring, I stepped into the room and decided to confront them. "So that's how you all fucking think about me?" I said with anger and they all looked at me with scared expressions. 

"Ana-" Nat spoke up. "Don't. Just fucking don't. I trusted you with my everything. I still hold guilt of shooting at you and try to make up to it every single minute. I confided in you with my deepest secrets. You were like a sister to me. Now, you are a nobody to me." My words shut her up immediately. My breath hitched before speaking. "You all were the ones I trusted the most with my deepest troubles yet you all think its wise enough to check into what I do and even ask FRIDAY about it? How dare you-" "But you never tell us much about how you feel. We want the best for you and keep a check on you. We feel bad for you Ana." Wanda cut my words. "You. Don't even fucking give me that pity. I stayed with you when you were at your lowest, when you grieved. I cared for you deeply but never once did I ever pity you cause I respected your boundaries and respected Pietro's decision. So just shut it." She looked down in tears after hearing my venomous words. I then turned to Vision. "Have you, ever heard of keeping someone's privacy? Or did you decided to just intrude like you go through those fucking walls with your fucking powers. You have no right to out me like that!" I spat at the synthezoid.

I then turned to Sam and Steve. "Don't even get me started Steve on how you think so low of me. I was at my lowest when I tried to commit suicide. Do you even understand how low? I am trying to be a better person everyday, every fucking minute. I am making efforts but you think so, so, I can't even say it- so fucking low of me. Fuck I even trusted you to hold me in that ship! I let you console me but no, you had to fuck it up by saying that. For your information, you were the person I trusted the most before coming on the team. I trusted you with every motherfucking thing." I took a quick yet deep breath, "Project INSIGHT, Bucky's escape, hell even let you tell you about my daily nightmares! You just had to say that. You can't even trust me cause I'm an outsider right? You accept Bucky cuz' he is your best friend. You just threw away our friendship Steve, you see that? It was one of the real things that I wanted to live for even in my darkest moments! IT WAS REAL TO ME!" I yelled at him while he kept looking down at the floor in shame. I walked closer in front of him. "What happens between me and my therapist is- None. Of. Your. Fucking. Business. Be a wuss, cry out with your virgin ass now. I do not care! You are dead to me, Rogers. Understand? Hmm? Dead. To. Me." I said with covering each of my words with venom to sting him in the right point. 

I directed my gaze towards Bucky. "I looked up to you so much. Hell I was ready to give my life for you to be safe. Do you have any idea of how much of guilt I hold in my heart everyday for you getting those awful treatments from those Nazi bastards? Ask your pal, how I just wanted to get you out of that hell hole. You say you wanna protect me but in fact, it's always been me protecting you! Hell I even loved you Bucky." I let the anger consume me. I looked around at all their faces. "You all wanted to know so bad what made me commit suicide, huh? Then listen, I was raped and abused by Rumlow and his men." I took a pause before continuing, "I wanted to kill myself for not being able to give him a taste of what he made me go through." I turn to Bucky as I spoke, "It haunts me every time I close my eyes. His wicked smile, the disgusting lust in his eyes, the devil in his laughter, all of it. I can't even eat knowing I let him do it to me. I was foolish and helpless because I trusted you to protect me. It was my fault that I depended on you! Where were you that day when I needed you the most? I hold the guilt of not telling you about it just because I can't see you in pain and disgust of yourself for failing me. The innocence in me died that day." I broke in sobs until I look into everyone's eyes as they look at me in pain. 

"But it doesn't matter to you all, does it? Don't even pretend it. Cuz' I am so sensitive and broken, and you think that I'm starving myself, oh no screw that 'harming' myself because I am unstable and disgusting. Why does it matter, right? Therapy is enough to let me know where I stand, I don't need anyone's fucking pity and sympathy to know my place. I don't wanna play the victim anymore, the girl who's all messed and sensitive that no one wants to love her after knowing her past where she's a whore. I- I don't want this treatment of being a victim, I wanna live like a normal person. I'm tired of it! I- I don't, I don't even wanna live-" my frequent heavy breaths don't let me complete my words. Everything feels like its suffocating me. "I- I can't d- do this this any- anym- anymore" I sob out. "Natsya. Hey hey calm down." Bucky said cautiously as he tried to hold me after catching on my erotic breathing. I pull back from him but the sudden feeling of light headedness engulfs me and I fall to my knees. "Ana!" I heard someone shout. "Hey breath alright? In.. Out..." but it wasn't working on me as my body shook violently. I was in someone's arms right now. I started to feel tired out and closed my eyes while I could still hear them all. "She's having an attack. Call the ambulance, Natasha. Go!" It must've been Bruce. "Doll, keep your eyes open. P-Please for me." I opened them long enough to register it was Bucky who held my small frame in his embrace. Suddenly it all went black.