My Soldier (Bucky Barnes)

Therapy and Tea

-ANASTASSIA POV-

The strong scent of acrylic paints and oil colors flared into my nose as I aggressively stroked my brush over the canvas. There was a faint breeze across the room. The sun rays had scattered around the room, making all the paintings around show off their main colors. The wind chime had been ringing softly while the clock hands ticked violently from the wall behind me. My arms had some paint splatters on them while there were stains of dried wiped paint over my grey hoodie which I always wore during my painting sessions. The painting was getting ruined due to my thoughts being unclear about what I was making. The events from the therapy session were fogging my current thoughts as the moments from today rung about in my head.

"So Anastassia you're telling me that an unknown bitch outted your past in front of the team outta nowhere?" she asked, totally not caring about addressing someone a 'bitch'. She is usually very polite and professional. She was clearly pissed off by Sharon's antics when we discussed it. "Uh yeah, but it was because she loved Miguel and I had come between them." "Why are you defending her? She exposed you!" "Not entirely, the team doesn't know-" "But Bucky does have an idea right?" she had a valid point. " Umm not really but, we decided that we'll talk about it when I'm ready..." I said with a sigh. "Hmm right choice. He seems smart and also knows you very well", she pointed out. A small smile creeped up onto my face which Kelsey had definitely noticed. "Tell me more about him."  I looked up at her to find her looking at me in anticipation with her blond hair over her shoulders. "He's a close friend. I've known him since HYDRA. He was the Winter Soldier while I was his partner, the Spirit. We did many missions together and were made to kill hundreds. Unlike me, he was in their complete control, brainwashed even. They made him as their puppet to carry out the dirty work." 

"You said you two were partners, did you guys have a mutual understanding about what was happening? Or were you both clueless about your choices and beliefs?" she asked me as she handled a notepad in her hand and made notes continuously. I looked at the notepad and she noticed my gaze. "Don't worry this won't go in the eval file", she tried at assuring me. "Then why write it?" I asked her cautiously. "So I get to keep a track of the events of your life to counsel you accordingly. You know you trust me." I huffed out and looked around before continuing. "We used to train together, eat together, do the work together. In HYDRA, they would shut out the entire world from before us. All we had was each other. They used to look at us both in disgust and beat us up for fun. Through thick and thin, we were always together. The trust had built up slowly and eventually." "How exactly?" Kelsey asked in a soft tone. 

"I had once told you how they would make us suit up in the same room in front of the guards, remember?" She hummed in response. "Once, one of the guards tried to- tried to grope at me. He touched me and I couldn't defend myself cause of the lost of all hope in me. That's when Bucky stepped up and fought with them all", I shudder a little on being reminded of that incident before continuing. "He covered me quickly and was then taken away by the guards. I hid in my cell for three days till he was brought back in a miserable state. I felt bad and I then tended his wounds to show him my gratitude and thanks, that's when he responded to me for the very first time. It was a "Sorry"." I smiled at the memory faintly. "The 'sorry' meant a lot him because he meant it for the stuff you went through because he had never spoken up till that time. You realized he cared for you and that you weren't alone. Am I right?" Kelsey deduced. "It gave a small hope. I was deeply grounded for him. It all happened for more time till we got Steve Rogers as our mission. I had to get him out. He faced too many of consequences and punishments for me." I confessed.

"You blame yourself for all the torture he went through which you shouldn't." "But they would brainwash him because he'd become soft for me." "And you should make him feel that way. The only reason why he would remember you each time they did so, enough to trust was because you were the one real thing to him. The one person who genuinely saw him as a protector." She paused on seeing tears streaming down from my eyes. She passed me a tissue box and her glass of water. I quickly wiped the tears and drank water. "You feel guilty. Guilty because only you know that he couldn't stop the men from assaulting you, from harassing you. It wasn't your fault-" I shivered to my core on hearing her say the words. "But I hid it, didn't I? He would be a broken man if he got to know he couldn't keep his promise of keeping me safe and protected. I can't see him like that ok?" I say with my lower lip trembling and tears falling from my cheek continuously. I sat up from my chair and started pacing around. "He will hate me, he will hate me, he will hate me...." I kept muttering. "Anastassia calm down. Have a seat " she said as she tried to get me sit in my chair. I gave her a frantic look. She approached me cautiously. 

"Focus on my voice. I am only here to help you Ana. You trust me. I just mean to help you. Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... out..." we continued some breathing exercises till I was fine and in control of my emotions. "You thinking so much about what Barnes will think of you is getting you at your lowest. Get a bit selfish for yourself and tell him about it. Guilt will be gone. I know you care about about him deeply." Then as if something clicked in her mind, she gave me a mischievous smirk. "You like him don't you?" Well, that caught me off guard. "What? N-no. I mean I care about him but like, only as a friend-" I tried to defend. "Cut the crap Ana, I've been your therapist for the last 4 months and even for a year before that. I know how you lie. You have a tell." "I don't have a tell." "Oh please, you spent an entire 5 hours session talking about him the last time. Don't think I'll forget. See? This is why I keep notes" she said as she flashed me her notepad. "Damn you." I muttered under my breath. "I heard that. But seriously, do you like him?" she asked me eagerly. "You really like some tea don't you?" I said jokingly. "Tea and love problems fill my appetite now, spill it."

"I don't know. It's a bit complicated. With him knowing about Miguel and all, I don't think he feels like that." "Why not?" I took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm messed up. HYDRA messed me up bad and there's a long way to complete recovery. He wouldn't want a mess like that for himself. He already has a lot on his plate right now. The avengers and the mandated sessions, man, I don't think he'll ever want someone like me." Kelsey gave a little thought and spoke, "You know he erased the line of your mess and his mess long before when you two were in HYDRA. If anything, you are his mess. He might like you. See, he's always been there for you, protected you, cared for you. He feels deeply for you too. I'm sure of it. I know I'm no one to say this but I think you both would look great together." I smiled at her words lightly. "Well, Steve's acting different too you know... Today morning he was being a little different than himself." "What do you mean?" "He was acting shy all of a sudden? And later wanted me to accompany him. I didn't think much of it though." She thought in silence for a moment. "Well you see girl, two men might be interested in you. 'Might' intended for the new guy but in all seriousness, you also gotta look for your happiness. If a guy or a girl are willing to, then let them. Be truthful to them and be happy. Happiness solves a lot of problems you know. The person is interested in you, don't shut them off. Turn to them and give 'em a chance honey." "I'll look into that", I say with a nod. Just then the sound of the chime from the clock in the corner of the room reminded that the session was over. 

"I think we should stop here for the day alright? But if you really want to get over your guilt and get closures with your past and nightmares, you have to confide in someone from your family. It could be any of those superheroes you live with. Try with Stark or Natasha or Wanda or Bucky or Steve. Anyone you trust the most but only one person for now. If it gets you feeling better, talk it out with the others too and I'm sure they will understand and listen to you. Their perspective about you won't change. I guarantee you that but talk. Please do, it will only make things better. Eventually they are your people, your family. You can trust them." she said in a calm tone. "I do trust them.", I said as I sniffle. "Then what's holding you back? They won't judge you at all. They love you no matter what." I nodded at her encouraging words. "Also remember, you tell at least one of them till I meet you next session. Promise me." I gave her a deadpanned look but she wasn't letting it slide so I gave in. "Fine. I will tell someone by our next meet." "Good. Now see you next time and take care. If anyth-" I filled in her words like every time, "-ing, feel free to call. Thanks Doc." I gave a soft nod before leaving.

Her ultimatum of confiding into someone got me thinking of who should I tell first. Maybe Stark? Because he's like a father figure and I'm sure he will understand or Nat cause we are close? I don't know but one thing I did know was that I was ready to talk to someone about it with nothing pulling me back at it. And the thing with Steve and Bucky? Honestly, I'm confused but I'll sort that out too. For now, I'll focus on one thing at a time and right now, it's about confiding. I looked at my painting and realized I drew a fire dragon after all this while. It looked good. I'm ready for this. Wish me luck, dear Lord.