Lost and Found

Chapter 37

"Mere," Amelia said in the background.

Meredith couldn't respond. Anna's breathing shallowed and her eyes closed. "Anna!" she shouted, rubbing the girl's sternum.

Her eyelids fluttered, grey-green locked on grey-green. Anna's gaze slowly focused back on her, and Meredith saw a flicker of recognition from the girl "Docker Merediff?" she whispered.

"Yeah," Meredith replied, keeping pressure on the cut in Anna's abdomen.

"I gotta cut?" Anna asked, wincing.

"Yeah," Meredith said. "But I got it. You're gonna be... it's gonna be okay," she nodded even as the blood seeped under her bare palm.

Anna's hand slipped on top of hers, "Maybe I'll see my mommy," she said quietly, her gaze drifting up and above Meredith, over her shoulder. "Noah says she's in heaven" the girl said matter-of-factly.

"You can't. There's a mommy who wants you here, so you can't go. You need to stay here," Meredith argued. She'd lost enough. She wasn't going to lose Anna. Even if she never saw her again.

"Merediff," Anna continued, "I wish... I wish you were my mommy."

God, thought Meredith, when the universe wanted to be cruel, it just went right for the jugular didn't it? Under her blood-soaked hand, Anna's abdomen rose and fell with every gasp. "Anna, you're gonna be okay." With her free hand, she felt for a pulse.

"Tired," the girl said, closing her eyes.

"Anna..." she begged. There was just so much blood.

"Meredith!" Amelia shouted. "Sofia's not responding. Her pupils are sluggish. We need to get them to a hospital!"

Meredith blinked, lost.

xxx

Several Weeks Ago:

Meredith stood in front of Grace's room. The door was closed and had been for a long time. But April and Jackson would be here in a couple hours, so she had to get closure. Squeezing the brass doorknob, Meredith pushed the door open a crack and slid through.

The curtains were open, and the sun lit the room in a warm glow. The walls were lavender, and combined with the daylight glow, it made the room a soft magenta.

Her hand brushed the wall by the crib. She'd painted it the day after she found out she was having a girl. The crib Alex helped her buy was still folded against the wall. He was supposed to help her put it together... but-

Meredith wrapped her arms tightly around herself as memories came back. The rocking chair was from Richard. There was a row of plush toys people had bought her throughout her pregnancy. She picked up one of the bunnies and stroked it before setting it down. The model Ferryboat was from Derek's office. She needed a piece of him there.

And of course, she smiled at the box of newborn/infant diapers Bailey had brought. Always the practical one, Bailey had been the first to reassure her and prepare her for being a mother. Unopened presents that the Shepherd sisters had sent in advance for her baby shower covered the change table. Folded up on the dresser were oodles of baby clothes; onesies, little hats, and booties.

She picked up a white onesie. In rainbow colors, 'I am loved,' was stitched on the front. She wasn't sure, but she thought she got it from Arizona. Meredith clutched it, running a hand over the soft cloth before lowering herself to the floor. Folding her legs indian-style, she spread the onesie between her knees. She stared at it for a long time, folding and unfolding it before she spoke. "Hi," she rasped to the empty room. Except it wasn't empty. Her baby was here. "I'm sorry I haven't visited. I've been... I don't know," she sniffed. It hurt to be here. She'd been preparing for motherhood, for birth, for life. And then all she had was emptiness. Coming here was always painful. But today it was necessary.