Shipwrecked-Minsung

Part 11

What Lee Know had feared most had become a reality. Han and Lee Know weren't speaking to each other outside of professional settings. Things had become extremely awkward between them so much so that it was making the other members uncomfortable as well. Han not only shut himself off from Lee Know but began to do so with all the members. He was spending all his free time in his room alone and wasn't doing well mentally. It was time for them to perform on a music show to promote their newest comeback but Han's anxiety had been acting up a lot and when it was time for all the artists to come out together at the end, Han didn't come out. Lee Know looked around and got worried when he didn't see him. He looked at Chan who was also looking around. They locked eyes and seeing the concerned look on Lee Know's face, Chan nodded for him to go look for him. Lee Know ran off stage searching for Han. He finally found him crouched in a back hallway. He fell to one knee as he tried to catch his breath. He was having a panic attack. This wasn't the first time Han had gotten overwhelmed by his environment. Lee Know knelt beside him and began to rub his back as he said "Let's breathe together, I will count out loud and you count with me when you can ok?" Han nodded his head, as he tried to calm his breathing by inhaling, holding it for a few seconds and then exhaling. He focused on Lee Know's counting as he breathed and eventually began to count with him as he calmed himself. Lee Know stood up and slowly helped Han to his feet. Han looked him in the eyes and tears began streaming down his face as he fell into him, wrapping his arms around Lee Knows waist tightly. He rushed into Lee Know so hard that it knocked him back a bit and surprised him. After the initial shock Lee Know engulfed Han in his arms hugging him tight. Han began sobbing on Lee Know's chest. "Why am I like this? I hate that you have to see me like this! I'm so pathetic! Why do you like me hyung?!" Han yelled through his tears. Lee Know grabbed Han's shoulders and pulled him away from him enough to look him in the eyes. "This is not who you are. It is only a part of you, and I love every part of you." Lee Know said before pulling Han into an embrace again. Han began to cry again as he snuggled into Lee Knows chest and said "I missed you hyung." Lee Know held back his own tears as he pulled Han tighter and stroked his hair.

After that night Lee Know and Han slowly started to return to normal. Lee Know had seen how much Han was hurting during their time apart and had tried to ignore it because of his own hurt. But after that night he didn't want to leave Han alone any more. Even if it hurt to be around him, he couldn't leave him again. During the times they spent together they never talked about the night at his parents house or the music show until one day they were watching a movie in Lee Knows room. "That night... in Gimpo... I feel like I need to explain myself." Han said cautiously as he paused the movie. "You really don't have to. I don't think my ego can take any more hits. And besides it was like a month ago." Lee Know said acting nonchalant as he reached for the remote. "Geez has it been that long?..." Han asked not allowing Lee Know to get the remote. Lee Know nodded and said "You just weren't into it. It's all good, water under the bridge. I don't need an explanation." "You may not need to hear an explanation but I need to give one. That night... I mean... we can't deny that I kissed you back... it's just that everything happened so fast so when your dad came in... I got really scared. Scared that he would judge us, scared that he would be mad... just scared. So I felt like it would be better to just not have to deal with it at all and brush it under the rug like I do everything else, but that wasn't fair to you." Han said. "Why didn't you just talk to me then? It would have felt a lot better than what you did say." Lee Know said. "I didn't know and I still don't know how to voice my real fears to you. My brain is fucked up ok. I'm not good with people." Han said getting upset. Lee Know didn't know what to say. On one hand he wanted to comfort him and reassure him but on the other hand he thought that maybe Han just needed him to listen. "Why did you decide to kiss me all of a sudden? Since when did you start having feelings for me? Why now after all these years?" Han asked.

"You aren't serious right? You don't remember when I practically confessed to you all those years ago?" Lee Know said. "Uh I think I would remember that." Han said. "During our first 2kids room in 2018, I asked you about your feelings for me and what they were. You played dumb like you didn't know what I meant but I knew that was just your way of letting me down easy." Lee Know said. "Oh. I remember. At the time we were being recorded, I didn't know if you were serious or not and then you never said anything about it again." Han said. "I felt like I was rejected and I guess I was too prideful then to push any further." Lee Know said. "Wow. So since then? 2018?..." Han said unable to grasp the new information he was getting. "Before that. Since the day you held my hand when JYP asked me to rap. You were there for me and comforted me like no one else. It was that day that I truly started to notice you. To notice your heart and not just that smart mouth of yours." Lee Know said. A pit began to form in Han's stomach as he looked at Lee Knows sincere expression. 'Why am I running from this?' He thought to himself. "I liked you too back then..." Han said softly. "What?" Lee Know asked not quite sure he was hearing correctly. "When you asked me about my feelings back then we had only been debuted less than 6 months. I was scared of losing everything. But I also couldn't believe that you liked me hyung, I couldn't allow myself to believe that at the time. In my mind, there was no way that someone like you, could be interested in me." Han replied. "Geez Hannie, sometimes you really are a pabo... After you rejected me back then I didn't pursue you any more because I didn't want to risk losing your friendship. But a good friend of mine recently told me I should allow myself the chance to be happy. So I went for it again. Because you were more than enough to me then and you are more than enough now, scars and all." Lee Know said. "I hope one day you can allow yourself a chance to be happy too Han, whatever that might mean for you." Lee Know added.