I Help You. (Sakusa Kiyoomi)

44. Yes...and No

Wednesday, Dec. 8, Day 24/30

"You weren't at school today." Thank god he spoke first.

"Neither were you, I guess," I responded blankly.

"I was there for an hour."

"How come you left?"

"Cause you weren't there."

I swallowed the pooling saliva in my mouth. 

"If It's about my art stuff, you can just throw it away. " --No that shit is expensive!--"My backpack, too."

"It wasn't."

"Was it about Germ then?"

"Germs?"

I shook my head, staring ahead. "Nevermind. What...were you looking for me for?"

Sakusa and I were walking painfully slow and slightly aimless despite knowing the destination. This was the second time we walked past this boulder.

"The same reason you stayed home."

"Which is?"

"Monday."

He's talking about that specific Monday. I'm talking about my feelings.

"That's false."

"So then it's the other thing I had in mind." He mumbled this, but he knew i was close enough to hear his words.

"Sakusa-kun, " His bows deepened at the formality and we stopped walking, " can we just get to the point, please? Please? I'm so tired of this obsessive anxiety I literally live with because of you."

"I am too."

"Then why are we beating around the bush?" I'm not sure where all of my straightforward energy came from. Probably my mother. 

At that statement, he suddenly began searching. He quickly found the mysterious item and sat on it-- it was a boulder. It was large yet his shoes reached flat on the ground.

As I watched him, I didn't know what the hell h was thinking. Was he mocking me? Was he saying quite obvious that he was tired of me? 

"For the next ten minutes, " He said, " I won't speak a single word."

This was weird. " What?"

"Y/n, I just want... to listen to you."

"That's... strangely thoughtful." I was actually suspicious of him. Again, was this a form of mockery? A form of superiority even?

He looked to the ground for a few seconds deep in his mind before meeting my gaze again. "It's been two weeks since the last time I heard your voice."

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME C R Y. AND WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME WHEN I'M THE ONE IN THE WRONG?

"So what?"

"So I miss it."

These words sounded so earnest, so transparent, but given the situation felt so much like Kip's words. I walked right up to him, completely disregarding his personal space. With him sitting on the rock, I cast a shadow just an inch over his head. If I was any taller I would've hit the branch just over his head. 

Nothing yet came out of my mouth though. I stood over him looking at everything, thinking of every possible way to perfectly formulate my next sentence.

I came up with, " I don't even know what I want to say to you Right now. I was going to be angry at you but- but I have nothing. So... so do you hate me?"