FORMULA LOVE

The steps to launching a grenade

"Sadie. Sadie" I hear someone calling my name and suddenly I'm wide awake. I frantically glance around the room but instead it wasn't a hotel room like I pictured.

For a minute, just a minute I thought the whole nightmare was in my head. I was dreaming all of this up. But it wasn't in my head it was real life.

My eyes felt heavy and sticky as I kept batting them to keep them open as I looked around at my parents living room. I then met eyes with Jamie who was teary eyes as he came down to kneel beside the sofa I was laying on.

I lifted my hand up to comb his hair as I switched to lay on my side. "Hey Jay." I say shakily. This is not how I pictured greeting my family back from Japan. He couldn't meet my eyes, instead he rested his head on the side of the sofa clutching my hand.

I hear more footsteps which capture my attention, it was my parents. "Hey... Hey sweetie. Are you okay?" My dad said nervously. Both my parents looked rough like they barely slept, my mum hadn't even managed to wipe the stained mascara from her cheeks.

"Stupid question dad." I reply, I wasn't being humorous it really was dumb. But I wasn't in the mood to be that Sadie today. No one was in the mood. "How'd I get here?" I ask changing the conversation.

"Charles, you all came back at 3 this morning. Ellie and the other two are upstairs and Charles went to the bathroom." My mum then said. And as if on cue Charles walks in.

Once he saw that I was awake he immediately raced to my side. He bent down giving me a kiss on my head and kept his hand, stroking my hair.

"Why didn't you tell me as soon as he died?" I moved my focus to my parents. Why didn't they tell me? He was my brother for God sake.

"We didn't want to ruin your first race back."

"I don't care about that fucking race. Do you honestly think I'd put racing over my brother?" I said angrily as I sat up. Jamie immediately got upset and ran out the room.

"Oh Jay I didn't mean it like-" I start before I hear the smack of his door closing. "Fuck." I groan as I hunch over burying my head into my hands.

"Look I'm so sorry darling. There's nothing I'm going to be able to do to make it better, I know that. But we need to stick together now, more than ever. For Mattie." My mum explains sitting next to me, rubbing my back.

"Yeah your right." I agree as I sit up to see her face. "I just fucking miss him so much Mum." Tears flood my eyes and I let myself cry. My mum grabs me pulling me into a tight hug. My dad joins in kneeling in-front of me resting his head on my knees "Don't we all kiddo."

"The worst part is I didn't even get to say goodbye."

                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My parents and my brother went out for a while to schedule plans for Matt's funeral which left me, Ellie and the three boys. When they finally awoke one by one, they gave me a tight and sympathetic embrace, which I hated but I thanked them for their kindness nevertheless.

It was just after noon and we were all sat watching the goonies which was on T.V. It was good for all of us as that way we didn't have to talk. However, before we knew it the movie came to an end and it was back to awkwardness. I was sat between Lando and Charles with the other two sat on the sofa next to us.

"Fucking love that movie." Lewis says wanting to break the silence as the adverts were on. He earned many grunts from us agreeing with him until it was back to square one again.

And when I thought it was going to get better it in fact was the other way round. The 1pm news came on and the first topic the presenter discussed was me and my deceased brother.

He and many other film crews were outside our house. I wasn't even aware of this until now. My eyes go wide with horror.

"Okay maybe we should turn it off..." Charles starts as he leans towards the remote. I swatted his hand away from it signalling for him not to turn the news off.

I leaned forward and my elbows met my knees as I watched what they had to say intensely. My blood boiled inside me.

I was about to explode.

"It is with great sadness that we have just learnt as of 7am this morning that Sadie Brando - an F1 driver for Mercedes - her brother has tragically passed away in the early hours of the morning yesterday."

The grenade has just been set.

"How the fuck do they get this information!" I shout becoming frustrated. I wanted to grieve and then let the world know. I hear Ellie then answer my question staring at her phone, "it says here that Lucia DeMarcus - American model and ex of Charles Leclerc - tipped them off this morning."

The grenade has now been thrown.

"What the fuck!" I became even more angry.

"Apparently she claims to be your best friend and you wanted her to tell the world."

My hands ball into fists as I pace around the room.

The grenade has just been set off. A.K.A carnage.

"How did she know!" I basically scream walking up to Charles. "You told her didn't you!"

"What?" He says giving me a confused look.

"You told her! Don't lie to me!"

"What the fuck Sayd! I didn't!" He shouts back. I raise my fist to try and get a good hit on him when he catches my arm. My other was quick to support my attack as I hit him in the chest. Then he grabs the other, he looked concerned and sincere. He was trying to stop me. Was he actually telling the truth?

He then lets go and my hands drop to my sides, all the others staying quiet. Leclerc then starts to walk towards me, purposefully bumping into me making me walk back.

We then stop as I hit a wall and his head rests against mine, "I didn't fucking tell her Sadie. I didn't."

And I knew that he wasn't lying. He was telling the truth.

For the 100th time today I then started to cry again. "I, I'm s-so sorry." I apologised before I cried into his chest.

"It's okay Baby." He replies as his hand meets the back of my neck and stroking my hair.

And one by one all of then joined our hug which soon made me feel something. I felt supported and comfortable.

My brother has just died and my whole world came crashing down before my eyes. The last thing I want right now is to have to deal with the shitty media and Charles' shitty ex - girlfriend.

I just wanted to grieve peacefully - It's the second thing I want. The first is to have my brother back but that's not possible, so we'll have to settle with second best.