A Fire Of Life

January 21, 2023

Well here we are 8 years since you passed
There still pain in my heart
You left without a second thought
Was it really that easy?
Downing the pills, the alcohol
Did you think of us at all?
Did you think how I'd feel,
Mentally? Its stressing me
It brings the depression I buried deep
Inside it feels like the pain's killing me
Scared to let friends see

They dont understand
The loss of a parent, especially so young
They think me holding on is dumb
"Its been 8 years let her go"
"She's dead get over it"
If only they felt the cold of her skin
The paleness of her face
Knowing she'll never see me grow up
Or graduate, get married or meet her future grand babies
Not knowing if she's proud of me
Whether shes there watching

I feel like a failure as her daughter
Cant seem to graduate
Getting told by family I'll end up like her
Or that she doesnt love me since shes not here
Mentally unstable, diagnosed with a personality disorder
Scared I'll give in to my depression and pain

Knowing she felt guilt over what happened to me, I was just 5
Her feeling so much pain over something she didnt see
Wondering if I'm her reason
I was so mentally broken as a kid
Did she see her pains in me?
Did my mental health affect her?
Theres so many questions I have
Forever unanswered
They're all I think of

The anger and betrayal is the worst
My feelings conflict, one second I miss her and love her and the next I wanna scream in anger for her leaving
It's a hurt filled cycle
Conflicting and frustrating
It's not too hard to numb
Just a little light switch off
I've learned to mask it
Can't let them see the missing piece she left
The empty unwanted feeling
The need to have a motherly figure
Wishing I could've seen her more
She tried, I know she did
I've seen the texts between her and my father
Her trying and trying
Him telling her shes a bad parents and hes going to take away her rights to us
It was a small cause of her depression
Her motherly needs being denied
Being gaslit into thinking she was too busy

I miss her smile
The way she looked at me with so much love and joy
Her laugh and squeals when I'd bite her or give her a puppy dog kiss
Her arms felt like home
Warm and welcoming
Loving and ever so familiar
I know she was hurting and a little broken
Arent we all though?
I loved her nonetheless
She made me promise after she heard bout regional west that I'd never end it
I've done my best to keep it
It's hard
Life's suffering me slowly
Friends left this year
Not feeling safe in His house
Couldnt even feel safe around my own parent
Felt like walking on eggshells
Trying to keep my mouth shut because he'd never hear my side
Getting screamed at and put down verbally
Scared I'll get choked or have things thrown at me again
Watching the dogs scream in pain from being hit and kicked
They didnt know any better

I know she went through the same before the divorce
The controlling marriage
Having to lie because she felt trapped
The fights at night
His screams and her cries
Her calling friends for help
I've heard it all
I'm glad she left even if it was for another shitty person
It damaged my childhood but I learned to grow up real quick
Knowing that hearing I was mature for my age wasnt a good thing at 13

Being told to act my age even though kids my age were vaping, smoking weed, doing drugs, having sex, getting involved in gangs and dating men over the age of 20

Especially in high school if I acted like everyone else my age I'd be pregnant, on drugs, probably a drop out and no future. I wish my father would see that
Almost everyone my age smokes weed and vapes, has unprotected sex, sneak out to parties or get drunk, or deals drugs

The constant need for his approval was exhausting
Feeling like I wasnt good enough
Knowing he'd never be satisfied or proud of me
Being told that me being photographer is dumb because there thousands, so what makes me so special?
It was my escape
My serotonin, my passion and joy
It kept me happy, the adrenaline of football games
The screaming crowd behind me
Being so close to the field that I could've been hurt in a tackle
Having both central and the visiting team look out for me
Making sure I didn't get hurt
A Sioux falls Jefferson player pulling me back from a tackle that could've seriously hurt me
The crowd smiling at me as I took their photos
The cheerleaders being more than happy to pose for me
Cheering with my friends
I wish she could she it
I think she'd be happy
Seeing me excited on the field
Doing what I love

I miss her and her absence is painful
But I know it'll be okay
I hope she sees me growing and changing
I hope shes proud of me
I know she understands my pain
I hope she knows I love her more than anything in this world
Its 8 years which is crazy
I know itll hurt
I'm ready for it
Ill have her best friend here
And that is enough
I hope heavens treating you well
Toast to you,
January 21, 2023