A Fire Of Life

Inside my mind

Hi reader, please read with precaution, there's triggering subjects including abuse and suicide so read at your own risk please. If there's any grammatical errors or you have a suggestion on the flow/layout don't hesitate to message me with suggestions/constructive criticism because it allows me to make my poems better and helps me improve as a writer.
Have a lovely day!

Inside my mind

Here's a little look inside my mind, please beware  of what you'll find
All my trauma does is sit and taunt me
Bother and haunt me, making it harder to breathe
They've got me on my knees,
I'm begging please just let me be

It's always hardest when it's dark,
When the stars twinkle and the moon's up high
The silence makes it a constant fight,
A struggle to quiet my mind
Just trying to keep these memories in line
Too many years of being traumatized
 It's no wonder I don't get any sleep at night

There's too much pain inside
And sometimes I just want to die
Keeping all these emotions inside

Why couldn't I have an easier life?
I was only 10 when my mom died,
The memory of her funeral is still hard to remember
Last time I saw her was a month before in December
I'm 16 now and it's been a long time

There was a lot that happened in 2009
Mom divorced my dad when I was only 5
Still remember the fights and slamming doors
And sadly there's still more,
Shortly after then we moved in with momma's new boyfriend Nick
Along with his three kids, I only remember AJ though

Nick seemed like a nice guy, turned out that's a big lie
He hit my mom and made her cry
He'd hit my brother and me with his belt on our backs bare
Luckily my sister was spared

AJ was the one that made my sister and me cry
He'd give us wedgies
No this isn't funny
A few months of being molested later
He raped me and scarred me for life

At one point mom tried to commit
A nice big slit
Across her throat, trying to take her life
Middle of the night, this shit aint right
I stood there frozen watching her life bleed away
A memory burned in the back of my mind
My brain keeps it locked up, buried and hard to find
I wish I could remember all of it sometimes
Sometimes I feel blind

After 8 foster homes within 9 months
Dad cost custody and took us with
With his new wife to their house in The Lone Star State
For a little while it was great, a step mom named Haley
Less than a year later she left
She gave my dad a choice, get rid of us or she'd leave

Moved to Utah with family for a little over a year
Dad needed time to get back on his feet
We moved back to Rapid City, the place I was born, my home town

Been abused since I was 9,
Verbally and physically
Don't like talking about it
Hate the pity of people feeling sorry for me
Been bruised and broken a fair share
People wonder by I flinch and get scared
When they quickly come near
Can't play fight
I hate loud noises, slams and dropped items
Noisy dogs and screaming really bother me
Loud music especially 

In 2019 Ryan told me to end my life
I don't call him dad now, he doesn't deserve that right
In front of his fiancee at the time, her 3 kids and my sister, they all went quiet
Flipped open his pocket knife and put it where I could grab
5 people remained unspoken
He told me to end it there
Yet nobody seemed to care
Summer of 2020 he let her cut of a foot long braid of my hair
For punishment, a little messed up but they didn't care

This is just a fraction of the trauma in my life
Just know it's because I'm not alright
I've got trust issues and anxiety buried deep inside
They come out sometimes, I overthink a lot even if things are alright
If I push you away it's not your fault,
I just need some space
If I call you in the middle of the night
Just know it's because I'm not alright
Because this is what it's like inside my mind

-Lee Berendse