A Fire Of Life

Stuff it down

Why is it so hard to open up? And why do I feel like I'm never enough?
I swear life is way too rough, and I'm getting close to giving up
I can't seem to accept anyone's love, what even is trust?
Constantly emotionally unavailable,  barely mentally stable
Something isn't right, where'd my feelings go?
Can't let you in, I'd be vulnerable
You could take a hit at my trauma,
There's a lot of it though
Trust issues have taught me well
Never trust anyone don't let your weakness show

People say I need to let this pain go
But it's buried in deep and it's got a hold
The weight of an elephant on my chest
Or a boa wrapped tightly around my neck
It takes my breath and holds me close
It's been stuffed down for years now
I constantly feel empty and out of control
I can't get free, you see
Begging please just leave me alone
I can't let anyone know,
Scared to be judged and abandoned so
I choke it back and let this screaming voice grow
It screams and claws, fighting to be let out
A constant struggle, only some people know
An inner battle against your other self
The trauma from your past that keeps you up
It always brings painful memories back
A little trip back in the past, anything but a blast
Keep wondering how long this pain will last
Life seems so off track
Why does everything seem so wack?

This past week has been hella rough
As if I'm not already stressed enough
Left home again without a plan
October 9th, here we go again
Where are all my 'friends'?
Said they had my back, yeah well that didn't last
I'm on my own, feeling so alone
Everyone's somebody that I used to know
But I guess that's just life though
Just watching all these problems grow

Feel like I've been knocked flat
This mountain of depression
Everything's numb, nothing to do about that
Gotta sit back and do some expressing
Writing it out lets me feel my emotions
Process them and learn a new lesson
People question whether it's healthy,
To write it all out into my poetry
Feels like they'd rather have me hold it in 
Something they don't want to see
All they want is the fake me, pretending to be happy
Let it build up into an emotional tsunami 
Until it all builds over and destroys everything around me
Waves of emotion that swallow and destroy 

I'm used to pushing people away
My mental breakdowns cause a lot of pain
I've been hurt too many times 
Pushing away keeps me and others safe 
So when I explode nobody's in range 
Having no one here means no hurtful words to say
It's for the best I guess
Now all that's left is to
Just stuff it down for another day