The White Wolf

Chapter 19

—Bucky's POV—
I woke up and it was dark out again. Nik still asleep on me. I checked the time on the cable box, it read midnight. We had slept basically all day. She's still out and I'm still exhausted. I took the blanket off of us and slid my right arm under her legs to carry her up the stairs to her room.
Carefully, I laid her down on her bed and covered her up. I went in and used the bathroom before sitting on the edge of her bed to take my boots off and laid myself out on the bed next to her. I closed my eyes and just focused on her breathing.
I was almost asleep when she started talking in her sleep. I turned my head to face her, listening.
"No, don't go. Something's wrong. It doesn't feel right." She said, starting to toss and turn.
"No!!!!" She screamed, causing me to jump and sit up in the bed.
"No! He can't be dead!" She screamed again, her entire body tensed up and then she stopped breathing.
"Nik? Hey! Hey hey hey, wake up!" I said and started to shake her shoulder.
"Baby you gotta wake up!" I said louder and she sat straight up and bolted off the bed to the corner of the room. I walked over to her slowly, her eyes darting around the room before landing on me.
"Bucky?" She whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Hey baby. It's okay, I'm here, you're okay. It was just a dream." I said and sat down on the floor beside her, pulling her into my lap. She wrapped her arms around me tightly.
"It felt so real. It was like it happened all over again." She said quietly as I gently wiped the tears away.
"Tell me what happened, doll." I said, rubbing her back with my metal hand.
"It was 3 years ago. Steve had just found me and brought me back here. I started asking about you. Where you were.. Steve explained the whole being frozen thing ti me and that it had happened to him and myself. That we had been frozen for 70 years. Then he told me that the last mission he had before he went after Red Skull.... You had fallen out of the train. And he couldn't save you. I felt every single part of me shatter. I screamed. I punched. And I didn't care who I hit. I crumbled to the ground and didn't get back up until 4 days later when I couldn't take the pain anymore. I went to the roof. There was a huge storm over top of the compound that night and I didn't care. I walked out to the edge of the roof. Ready to jump. End it all so I could be with you in the afterlife. I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist anymore. Without you, there is no me. And so I let myself fall forward off the roof. I didn't scream. As I fell I could see your face smiling back at me in my head. And had it not been for a random visit from Thor, I would have hit the ground. But no. As he flew in on Stormbreaker, he grabbed me and set me down on the ground. I don't remember much after that cause that's when I shut down completely." She said, not looking at me while telling the story.
"Nik... I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you. So so sorry." I said and leaned my head against hers.
"You didn't know. You didn't have a choice. But while I didn't even know you were still alive, I shut down. I didn't want to be.. without you." She said. I could hear in her voice how much pain she's truly in.
"Hey. I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere. Not without you." I said, cupping her face in my hands.
"Let's get you back into bed." I said and picked her up. Her body limp in my arms. I brought her over to the bed and laid her down. She grabbed hold of my metal arm and pulled me down next to her. I smiled and got comfortable, pulling the blanket over our bodies. With the metal arm, I pulled her body close to mine. Holding her tightly. She took my metal arm and pulled it to her chest, my hand now resting under her head.
"Hey Bucky?" She asked as she ran her fingers up and down the metal.
"What is it, doll?" I answered, propping myself up with my other arm.
"What was it like in Wakanda? I've never actually been there. I've only seen pictures." She asked, rolling over to face me. Keeping hold of my arm.
"It was amazing. Beautiful. Calm. No one bothers you. No one judges you. It's very welcoming." I said, briefly remembering my time there.
"Hmm." Was all she said and buried her head in my chest.
"Maybe once we get these nightmares under control I'll take you. I'm sure we can arrange something with T'Challa." I said and kissed her cheek.
"I'd like that. A trip away. Just the two of us." She said and I could feel her smile against my chest.
"Then that's what we will do. We will work on getting your nightmares under control and then plan that trip. Hopefully Tony and Banner will have that medicine fixed for you soon." I said and watched as her breathing slowed and she fell back asleep.
I get nightmares too but not like that. I don't wake up screaming. My nightmares are of all the people who the Winter Soldier killed. All the innocents. I hate who I was. I hate what the Winter Soldier made me do. I hate what Hydra did to me. I mean yeah it helped me be able to come back and be with Nik now but the cost... the cost was being brainwashed into a super soldier killer.