CRIMINAL

13 • Cordolium

Cor • do • lium
Noun | Meaning
Heartache; heartfelt sorrow

When I wake up the next morning the first thing I see is Nekane, sitting in one of our lounge chairs, staring at me. Because I'm still in a sleepy daze, it takes me a second before I remember the situation I am. 

I slowly get up into a sitting position as I keep my eye contact with Nekane when another man catches my attention. He's a bulky man, broad shoulders and bald. Wearing only black, he looks incredibly intimidating. I look back at Nekane and frown.

"Whose that?" I ask and there's a moment of silence. "Someone who's gonna keep an eye on you for a while," He explains plainly and my eyes widen. "You're kidding me, right?!" I raise my voice, absolutely not okay with this. "What you did was unforgivable Juliane. I want to make sure that never happens again," He goes on and I scoff. 

"What I did was unforgivable? You took someone's life! Multiple actually! How is that not worse?!" I shout out, not even caring that this man can hear it. I mean, he agreed to babysit Nekane's wife. Nekane didn't even bother to clean up the bedroom before letting this man in. It's clear he's well aware of the kind of person Nekane is. 

"Sam, please leave my wife and me alone for a moment," Nekane suggests calmly, and without saying a word 'Sam' leaves. We both keep silent until he leaves the room, both looking at him as he does. Once he's gone our eyes snap back at each other. 

"You can't keep doing this," I tell him with a calmer tone. I almost sound exhausted. Maybe that's because I am. "You know as well as I do that you'll never leave me again," He says nonchalantly but I shake my head. 

"That won't be voluntary though," I promise him and he nods. "If that's how I'll get my wife to keep her to her own words, so be it," He shrugs and my mouth gapes open. "Keep me to my words?! Me?! What about you?!" I want to get up but the cuffs keep me from doing so.

"What about me?!" He asks back, his voice getting more angry. "Do you promise to keep her safe, Nekane! You were asked that and you answered yes! And how safe did you really keep me? Bringing people back into our home, killing them. What if their loved ones followed you back here and wanted to get revenge? You were the first one to break their vows! Not me!" I yell at him, completely done with every lie that comes out of his mouth. 

"Jesus fucking Christ Jules! Are you on your period or something?! You were finally okay again!" He exclaims. I want to fire back again but a certain word catches my attention. Period. I'm not on my period. In fact, I'm late. At least I think I am, I haven't been on my period since I arrived here. That was at least multiple weeks ago now. 

But maybe it's stress. Stress can stop your period, right? And I've only experienced stress since I got here. 

Nekane seems to notice that I got silent and raises an eyebrow. "Jules?" It takes a second for me to catch my breath and respond. 

"I- Please just give me a moment alone. I just really need to be alone right now," I sigh, trying to keep my cool. Nekane stares at me for a moment before he nods and gets up. "Can you please uncuff me?" I ask him before he goes, with a clear desperate tone. He looks at me for a moment, clearly contemplating. But then he walks up to me and undoes the cuffs. 

Then he leaves, leaving me alone in the room. Tears immediately filled my eyes as the realization dawns upon me. I quickly get up and walk to the bathroom, where I know a pregnancy test is. 

I pee on it and then leave it alone in the bathroom, not being able to be in the same room anymore with this tiny little test that might just change the game entirely. 

After, I don't even know how many minutes, I walk into the bathroom to check the result. My heart is beating furiously in my chest and I have to fight against an upcoming panic attack. As my eyes fall on the test my stomach drops. Time seems to freeze for a moment. It's positive. 

After I tried so hard to prevent that from happening. It happened anyway. How even? I don't know, it seemed almost impossible looking at the circumstances. But here I am, staring at a positive pregnancy test. 

This can't be happening. 

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I barely even recognize myself anymore. I look exhausted, unhappy, and drained. This can't be the rest of my life. It just can't be.

I look around the room, for answers. Any. Ways to get out of this or some kind of hint that this is in fact a horrible nightmare. 

My eyes land on a little box, it reads razor blades. For a minute I just stare before I look away again, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. 

When I open my eyes again, I'm woken up by a bright light. Confused I look at the ceiling above me, it's white with big lights. It's at this point I'm realizing I'm lying in a bed. In the background I can hear a constant beep, confusing me even more. 

I look to my left, where I see all these machines. One monitoring a heartbeat, my heartbeat. Another has a bag full of liquid hanging off of it. 

I'm in a hospital. 

It slowly dawns upon me why I'm here again. I wanted to... I tried to... But I didn't succeed. 

Panic fills my body as I realize who probably found my body and the amount of anger he must feel right now.  I look around me, to my right and low and behold, there he is. He's on his phone, texting someone. He doesn't notice me moving at first. 

Should I just close my eyes again? Wait till he leaves? 

As I consider my options he must've felt my eyes on him, he looks up from his phone and makes direct eye contact with me. I freeze. His eyes go from shock to relief to anger. It confuses me, what is he feeling?

"You're awake," He states and I slowly nod. "Do you remember what happened?" He asks, making me swallow hard. "I- uhm," I start to stutter, clearly not helping the situation. His eyes become even angrier as he stands up from his seat. 

"You tried to take your own life, Juliane! And you failed! Except not fucking totally, no! You didn't take your own but you took a life!" He starts shouting and my eyes widen. I lost the baby. A strange feeling overcomes me, I thought that maybe would give me some relief. It doesn't however, it feels more like disappointment. Why?

"Did you know you were fucking pregnant?! Are you fucking fo-"

"Nekane, please," I beg him but he shakes his head. "I don't think you understand how badly you just fucked up Juliane!" He continues to yell at me, I'm surprised no nurse has gotten into the room yet to check on us. 

That's when I remember, the nurse button. I want him out of here. 

As he continues to yell at me, I carefully find it and secretly push it, begging for the nurse to come quickly. "You lost this baby! Our baby, this is your fault! So you'll compensate for it, Juliane! There's no mercy anymore, I'm-"

"Sir!" A nurse cuts him off and I can't help but sigh in relief. "I understand this is a difficult time but she just woke up. Give her a moment to process what happened." The nurse explains and she turns to me. I give her a begging look, hoping she'll understand me. "Hello, Juliane. How are you feeling?" She asks me but I somehow can't answer the question. I just want him to leave. 

My eyes find Nekane's again, his still filled with anger. "You know what, sir I think it's better if you leave the room while I do the check-up. I'll call you back in once I'm done," The nurse politely smiles at Nekane and for a moment he hesitates. He looks at me one last time before he huffs in frustration and leaves without another word. 

As the floor closes behind my shoulders finally relax. The nurse clearly sees this. "Ma'am? Are you okay?" She asks me while coming closer. For a moment I hesitate. Should I tell her? I guess now is better than any other time. 

"I- I uhm, would like for you to call the police," I barely mutter out but she caught every word of it. She looks at me with dedication while nodding. 

"Okay, tell me what happened,"

The moral of this story is that no matter how much we try to, no matter how much we want it... some love stories just don't have a happily ever after.