liz truss x priti patel: the complete story

14. December 2020

"Priti, I- this is pretty contemptible stuff." Boris said, flicking through the report. "There's no way I'm publishing this, you'll never have a job again."

Priti put her hand to her temple and sighed deeply. She had almost forgotten that the investigation was happening, and a part of her thought she would never hear of it again. But here she was. She'd issued her 'unreserved apology', saying she was sorry IF she upset people, and that it was completely unintentional. Of course it wasn't, but that was beside the point. To her genuine surprise, the apology didn't go down well.

Infuriated that his advice was ignored, the Prime Minister's independent advisor on the code resigned. Now, it was time for a coverup.

Boris sent a text to his Tory MP's: 'Time to form a square around the prittster'. Able to deliver a serviceable pun even in the worst of times, Boris made 'stick with prit' a new motto. What followed was a nauseating wave of Tory solidarity, where MPs and ministers scraped the back of their minds to find a vaguely nice story to tell about her, recalling a time she successfully managed to repress a scowl, or even held a door open for them.

***

Lockdown was over, and with London in tier 2, Priti and Liz were allowed to reunite outside. They met in their favourite park, which was now becoming a tradition for them, and walked closely, wearing big coats in the winter weather, Pret takeaway cups warming their hands.

Priti took a sip of her coffee and almost recoiled. "Liz, I think I have yours, this is awful."

Liz took a sip of her own and was equally displeased, and they switched cups.

"I don't know how you drink that, it tastes like milk." Liz said.

"Of course it does. I don't know how you drink plain espresso. It's so bitter."

"I can't function without it!"

"Maybe that's because you stay up until 3 and wake up at 5."

"It's called being productive!"

"It's insane!" She laughed. "Your heart will give out at 70 if you keep drinking this everyday."

"Well at least I will have accomplished a lot in my life!" She said with lighthearted defensiveness, squeezing Priti's hand and leaning in to kiss her on the cheek.

***

With the first Brit receiving the vaccine on the 8th, the government had enjoyed a limited high. But such painful incompetence meant all good things must come to an end.

"Unfortunately," Matt told the cabinet, "There is evidence of a new variant." His eyes flicked rapidly around the table, every face looking at him with hatred, as he laughed nervously.

"Well, tell us more then." Boris gestured angrily.

"What about?"

The silence in the room spoke for itself, and he finally caught up.

"Oh, well, um- it's called Alpha. It's about...70% more transmissible than the existing variants." He did the nervous look again. "There is a small amount of evidence of a high mortality rate, but experiments have also found no evidence of that, so...we're not really sure." He stopped talking, but people's expectant looks remained. "That's it."

"That's all you know?" Boris asked, unimpressed, and Matt nodded dumbly. "Great. Thanks Matt." He said bitterly.

*