Lost and Found

Chapter 26

"I'm sorry." Janet said quietly.

Meredith felt like bolting. She wanted to run. This was a mistake, a terrible mistake. She couldn't do this. It was stupid. Leaping? Yeah right. She was bellyflopping and she was going to miss. But her legs felt so weak right now she couldn't move off the chair. "Janet, I-"

"Tell me more about Zola," she pressed. "You visited her in the hospital?"

Janet's redirection forced her to think about those few days she'd comforted the child. "She cried at night. I think it was because they laid her flat on the bed, and that led to a fluid build up in her brain, even with the shunt... so I just kinda, I would pick her up, you know? To decrease the pressure, and she would stop crying, just like that."

"You picked her up? Even while you were still recovering yourself?"

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know... I didn't really think about it. I just wanted to help. And holding Zola... I guess, I felt a little less empty you know?"

The social worker regarded her carefully, and Meredith felt a little like a bug under a microscope. She wiped the corner of her eye and stared at the picture of bright sunflowers behind Janet. Her palms felt sweaty, and she swore her heart was pounding seventeen hundred times a minute. What was she doing? What the hell was she doing?

"Do you want to be a mother Meredith?" Janet asked.

She met Janet's dark eyes once again, as she carefully considered what to say. If she was going to do this, really do this, she had to follow her own advice that she'd given to Arizona and Callie. Zola would have to be everything, and not just something to make her happy. Because there'd be busy days, and bad days, and her patience would be tested. And Zola had her own problems with her medical condition. She'd have to clean up parts of her life. No more late night tequila binges, no more frat house and strays. No more long hours at work. There'd be school, and she'd probably turn into a dreaded soccer mom with a minivan and some crappy soy half-sweet no-foam beverage. And she'd probably end up gossiping about the non-drama of all the other mom's at soccer practice and-

But that was the point wasn't it? Because she wasn't truly happy right now anyway. She felt it. She was just drifting, an empty shell of herself floating along, and she wanted to be full. The only way she knew to do that, was to give something. Like that brief moment when she picked Zola up for the first time, she gave her relief from the pain. Or when, even after Derek died and she was pregnant, she still felt... full because she would be giving birth. Giving life. Giving love.

"I won't lie... I'm a surgeon. A good surgeon. But I'm ready now... to give something. I want to be a mother. Honestly, I don't know much about it. But I can learn. And I'm a fast learner."

Janet nodded. "You know what I saw today? I saw you trying to make a little girl smile. And from what you've told me... I think you do have the capacity to take on this new challenge. Now, there are things we have to do, paperwork, home checks, classes..."

Meredith tuned it all out as Janet's words echoed in her mind.

'I think you do have the capacity to take on this new challenge.'

xxx

"What?" Meredith growled at her new resident, "What are you staring at?"

Blake averted her eyes, and turned around to face the door of the elevator. "Nothing, sorry Dr. Grey," she said nervously.

Crap. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I've got a lot going on." Like finding out if she'd be granted custody in a couple days. It was driving her crazy.