In Bad Faith

Chapter 77

"How are you feeling?" Floyd asked me, sitting in front of me on the other side of the table, which was now filled with documents, maps, pictures, and everything to do with the plan to arrest Misha Zaveri. The truth was that I was feeling a thousand things. I felt fear, guilt, but also almost this sense of relief and excitement. The fact of the matter was that tomorrow was the day my life would change forever, whatever was going to happen.

"I'm ready," I told him, not sounding too confident. But I didn't worry about showing my nerves right now. Floyd knew I was nervous about this. He was too, just for a very different reason. But despite my nerves, I was ready. This whole situation had exhausted me, and I was done with having to wear a wire for the majority of the day. Misha and I had staged some conversations about the appointment at the New York harbor where we'd make our escape, but most of the time we'd just pretended to be busy. And although we did have a little fun with it sometimes, I was glad it was over.

But besides being exhausted, I was just ready to finally settle down with Misha. Without having to worry about any of the stuff we were dealing with right now. It would be just us, as a couple, and in a few months as a family. It still felt unreal. And yes, it truly hurt that I would never see my remaining family or few good friends again, and that I would never get to say goodbye to my Seattle apartment and all the stuff I'd held dear. But what I had realized in the last few weeks, was that I'd been unhappy. I'd been unhappy for a long time.

"You can do this, Nad," Floyd interrupted my stream of thoughts, as he grabbed my hand over the table. It didn't feel right touching him, but I shoved those feelings aside and wrapped my fingers around his as our eyes locked again. "This is going to be the hardest part, but when you get through this, it's finally going to be over. We'll be on a plane home in less than forty-eight hours," he followed, slightly squeezing my hand. A shallow sigh fell from my lips as I slowly nodded. "I can't wait," I softly said. And it was true. My stomach turned at the idea of what I was doing to Floyd right now, but the will to fight for my child and keep Misha safe overruled anything.

A soft smile spread across Floyd's face, after which he took a deep breath and looked away from me, directing his gaze at our intertwined fingers. This time it was him seemingly getting lost in thoughts, since he just stared at it, and got quiet for a moment. "I've been thinking," was what he said to break the silence, and I immediately felt my stomach sink a little more. I didn't like to hear those words over his lips, since Floyd thinking too much could never mean any good. "About what?" I reluctantly asked him, after which he looked up at me.

"When we get back to Seattle, I'd like to help you dive into your dad's research," he softly told me, as we were still holding hands. Oh, god. I'd hoped he would've forgotten about that, since I was planning to take those files to Italy. There was no way I'd just leave them here. I knew it was risky since I had to leave my apartment as if I just left it to go to work in the morning, but I figured Floyd would either forget about it, which, thinking about it now, was unlikely, or maybe he'd think I had kept them somewhere else, outside the apartment. 

"I'd love that," I spoke, trying my hardest to fake a smile as I looked at him. And I couldn't help but wonder how Floyd felt thinking and talking about my dad. Didn't this feel wrong for him? "Just us, together? Or did you tell the team," I followed softly. If he did tell the team, there was no way I'd be able to take these files to Italy with me. It would be too obvious. 

I slowly let go of his hand and leaned back in my chair, as I just couldn't stand touching him for a second longer. Especially now that I was cold-heartedly lying to him. I didn't like what this relationship between the two of us became, but that didn't mean I didn't care for him anymore. He'd always been an important figure in my life, and yet I was going to betray him in the worst way possible.

"No," Floyd sighed. "Nobody knows I've taken those files," he followed, and the look on his face told me he felt bad for it. Ashamed, almost. If he only knew what I had been up to. "I was planning on asking you to keep it between us," he added to his words. Oh, Floyd. Leaning over, I placed my elbows on the table as I looked at him, and come a little closer to him. "If you'll keep my secret, I'll keep yours," I told him, my voice somewhere between talking and whispering. And despite how this was going to end up for him, I was almost certain that he would. If he told the team Misha Zaveri got me pregnant only after I supposedly died with him, and they find out that he'd let me continue the operation, he sure was going to face consequences.

"You know I will," Floyd quietly told me. "When we get back, we'll figure everything out. Together," he followed. I sighed and nodded, as this nauseous, stinging feeling dominated my stomach. I knew this final conversation would come, and I'd known it was going to be tough. This was going to be the last time I ever spoke to him. That was if our plan wouldn't fail, and I wouldn't end up in jail. "Thank you, Floyd," I answered, giving him a bittersweet smile as I did. And this time it was genuine. It was a thank you referring to much more than just his words. It was a thank you for everything.

I was thankful for how he'd always been there for me. The way he turned our relationship around now was wrong, but I was convinced he didn't mean any harm. Floyd was a lonely man, too. I could only hope he'd forgive me if he would ever find out about what I did to him. I did it to save my family. "Thank you," he mirrored my words. "I'm so, so proud of you, Nadezeya. You've come such a long way," he then said. I averted my gaze to the map of the harbor lying on the table, since I could look him in the eyes as he said this to me. Maybe it was time to start saying goodbye and cut this conversation off.

I looked up at Floyd again, after I gave him a small smile without reacting to his words. "I think I'm going to go get some sleep," I softly said instead, which made his eyes flash with disappointment. It was late, way past working hours, and we discussed everything we needed to discuss for tomorrow. Was he expecting me to stay here or something?

"Alright," he said, clearly trying to hide his true feelings. "I'm cleaning up and leaving too. I could use a full night of sleep before this all goes down," he followed, after which he took a deep breath. He then pushed his chair away from the table a bit more and started collecting pieces of the paperwork spread out on it after he stood up. "God, me too," I sighed as I followed his example and started stacking the papers, putting them back in their files afterward.

"I can drive you to your apartment if you like," Floyd said after he put the files back in the cabinet, and now came to stand in front of me. I took a deep breath, after which I shook my head as I looked up at him. "I don't know.. I drove here myself, and I need my car tomorrow morning.." I followed, trying desperately to get myself out of any more of this. I was done with putting up this play for Floyd. "Of course," he softly laughed, visibly beating himself up for not even thinking about that. This was the last time I'd hear him laugh.

I softly chuckled along with him, giving him a soft smile after. "See you tomorrow," I spoke, as we both just stood there for a moment, facing each other. The look in his eyes told me he was ready to take it a step further, and soon he, indeed, leaned over in an attempt to kiss me. But I couldn't. I didn't want that to be my last memory of Floyd before he'd see me getting taken by Misha. So I turned my head away from him, and I put my hand on his chest to hold him back. "Floyd.." I whispered, looking up at him again when he got the message, and he created a bit of distance again.

"My mind isn't really in the right place right now," I softly followed, trying to cover up my rejection. He looked at me with this defeated look in his eyes, but soon he nodded, as if he understood. "I'm sorry," he whispered, after which he looked away from me as he ran his hand through his hair. I didn't speak, but instead I wrapped my arms around him to give him a big, genuine hug. I shortly closed my eyes as I took these last moments of peace in, and after a few seconds of silence, and him hugging me back, we let go again.

"Bye, Floyd," I painfully smiled at him, as I took in his face one last time. I knew I'd see him one last time tomorrow, but it would be different. He would be wearing a full uniform while pointing a gun at Misha and me. "See you tomorrow. Goodnight, Nad," he answered. And as he gave me one last smile, I turned around to grab my coat. I grabbed it, and I didn't look back. Because even though I was certain I wanted to do this for Misha and for myself, it was still painful. And as I left the room for the last time, I couldn't stop tears from welling up. This was really it. The end of Nadezeya Katava.