HOW TO RUIN YOUR LIFE (LGBTQ+)

24

I ended up driving the SUV to the next state over, and let it roll slowly off a cliff into a roaring river that was swelling from recent rain. The river was shrouded by dense layers of tree and rock, and it was moving in the opposite direction of home, which was the most important part of my stitched-together plan.

    I watched it crash into the water and get swept away, most likely down several waterfalls to be crushed and hopefully sink to the bottom of a lake or somewhere deep, never to be found. I had my phone in my pocket, which was quickly dying, and the sun was just beginning to rise as I began the trek back to my home state.

    My throat was dry as I walked, and I realized that my mind was still numb. Cars rushed past me on the highway, bringing the occasional breeze along. As the sun lifted higher in the sky, I shedded my jacket, tossing it carelessly on the side of the road.

    Clouds were sparse in the sky, but I could see some thick ones rolling in. I watched them hopefully. Getting drenched would be perfect. I was thirsty.

    I didn't get my wish. They rolled away as quickly as they'd come in, taking the shade with them. I came to a bridge crossing, and leaned against the stone as cars whizzed by, all ignoring me, just like I'd ignore someone on the side of a highway.

    We're all the same.

    My phone was buzzing in my pocket, vying for my attention. I pulled it out, staring at the missed calls from Locke, Sterling, a couple of unknown numbers...but nothing from Max yet. I glanced up at the battery, seeing it on 7% and dropping in the heat.

    Now 3%.

    I grimaced and let the phone fall onto the asphalt, then dropped my foot onto the screen, cracking it. I brought my foot up and stomped it down again and again, harder and harder, until the phone was totally busted, glass pieces scattered on the road and the inside mechanics slightly visible.

    I smiled at it. "That's better." I lifted my arms into the air as I turned and looked over the bridge into a small creek, then up at the sky, and at the trees and the grass. My smile widened into a grin. I felt free.

    After I had killed Izzy, the voice in my head had stopped. It was as if my life paused. My thoughts paused. My emotions paused. Everything just stopped, like an intermission for a play. Because I'd given in, my mind was clear. I hadn't heard the voices for hours.

    My eyes teared up, the view of the sky growing blurry as my smile trembled but stayed stuck to my face like glue. "I'm relieved," I whispered, my voice shaking.

    I must be delirious right now.

    I was aware of the other responsibilities I would have when I returned to my house. And I wouldn't avoid them. But for now, walking on the highway in a completely different landscape, surrounded by people who didn't know me or care about my existence, without a phone or car or anything but my own two feet and set of eyes...I felt free.

-

Locke and Sterling lounged at Jazz's bar, passing around a spliff in the early afternoon before the place was open. Sunlight leaked through the broken blinds, shining through the haze of their high. Soft rap music played on the speakers above their heads, a rotating fan pushing a breeze through the warm room.

    "I can't believe the A/C is out," Jazz groaned, lying across Locke's lap, his hand on her leg and the other holding the spliff.

    He took a few drags, then held it in front of her mouth as she took one too, holding it in her lungs before letting it out, slowly, her eyes closing as the smoke curled above her head. "Well, you're the manager now, so do something about it," he said with a grin plastered on his face.

    She ignored him, passing the spliff to Sterling, who was texting away on his phone. "Who's got your attention?" she asked. "Charlie?"

    "Lemme guess, Jackson," Locke threw in.

    Sterling took the spliff from Jazz, throwing his phone down on the sofa cushion beside him. He shook his head as he took a long, hard drag, letting the smoke curl from his nose, inhaling through his mouth in a french inhale. "Guess again."

    "Trent? Brian? Nick? Ta-"

    "Asa?" Jazz interrupted, crossing her legs over the arm of the couch.

    "That's the one," Sterling said, taking another hit and passing it to Locke. He narrowed his eyes at Locke. "You make me sound like a player."

    Locke shrugged. "Aren't you?"

    "I'm trying to settle down," Sterling groaned, sinking low on the couch. "But commitment is hard, man. I don't know how you two do it."

    Locke and Jazz chuckled a bit, inching closer into each other.

    "Well, I love her," Locke said. "So it's easy."

    Sterling threw his hands out in an exasperated gesture. "I love Charlie! I think. I don't fucking know."

    "If you really love someone, you'll know," Jazz reassured.

    "Will I?"

    "Definitely."

    "Without a doubt."

    "Then I guess I've never loved anyone," Sterling said, leaning his jaw on his fist with his elbow resting on the arm of the couch.

    "You and Asa have that in common," Jazz said, stretching her arms above her head.

    "Speaking of, where the hell is Asa?" Locke asked. "I haven't seen her in almost a week - since the party, actually."

    "None of us have," Jazz said gloomily.

    "She hasn't answered my texts," Sterling said.

    "Mine either," Locke said.

    "We should go check on her then!" Jazz exclaimed. "She still owes me a lunch."

    "I'm not for showing up at her house unannounced," Locke responded, patting Jazz's leg. "Let's just wait."

    Jazz scowled, folding her arms.

    "Well," Sterling said slowly. "I think that we should."

    Locke shrugged, the picture of nonchalance.

    Then, the phone rang. Sterling was quick to pick up, putting it on speaker on the couch. "Hello?"

"It's Asa."

"Yo, Asa, where've you been?"

    "Busy," she deadpanned, her voice shallow and sounding out of breath.

    The three of them glanced at each other, then back at the phone.

    "Busy?" Jazz asked.

    "Yeah," she responded, not giving any more information.

    "Listen, we're gonna be out tonight after I get off work, and you should join us," Jazz said.

    "If you don't come, we'll ambush you at your house tonight," Sterling threatened cheerfully.

    There was silence, and then, "I'll try." The phone call ended abruptly, without a goodbye, but that was expected.

    "Well, she's definitely up to no good," Locke said, leaning back.

    Sterling chuckled. "Sounds like it."