Crossing Lines

54. I love you

The bed was empty when I opened my eyes. I wasn't surprised Jake was gone, he'd been dancing around me ever since I got home from the hospital. I also had barely moved since I was released.

I don't think he knew what to do with me. I didn't even know what to do with myself.

I'd fought as hard as I could to stop the downward spiral but the morning after Jake took me home I felt it all hit. There was a hollow spot in my chest where pieces seemed to be missing. The pieces of myself that was left shattered all over the floor of that house.

Even after everything that had happened there was still a part of me that missed my parents, that longed for that home. This felt final. I couldn't go back and I didn't know how to accept that. I still had all the physical reminders of how terrible my relationship with my parents was but still I kept clinging onto all the good moments.

I thought about all the times my mom comforted me or the times she'd let me sit in the kitchen and watch her cook. I thought about the times that I would sit on the couch as my father watched football and try to understand what was going on. The many times he'd explained plays over and over until I finally understood it.

I gripped all those memories like a lifeline and pushed all the bad out. I didn't let myself remember all the bruises and pain. They had been more than the bad and I missed the parents I wanted them to be.

But no matter how much I wished for them to be different they weren't. I was here for a reason. I was here because they never loved me enough to not hurt me.

"I brought you some food." Jake eased the door open and walked over to the bed with a plate in his hands.

My chest ached at the sight. I loved Jake so much sometimes it hurt to think about. I hadn't even realized how much until I was laying on my front porch and all I wanted was to be held by him. I needed to see him and that's when it really hit. I had handed more of myself to him than I wanted to. He held too much power and if I wasn't careful he could break the final pieces of me that weren't already shattered.

I didn't know if I'd survive the heartbreak of Jake Oliver.

"I'm not hungry." I told him keeping my spot laid up under the covers.

"Ev, you got to eat at some point." Jake set the plate down and came over to lay in the bed next to me.

"I just can't right now."

"That's okay but I need you to tell me what I can do. I can't just sit around and do nothing while you're hurting like this." He pleaded with me.

And the truth was that I had no clue what he could do for me. I didn't know what I needed besides to go back in time and stop this from happening. I was so tired of hiding and lying so when I opened my mouth I let the truth come out.

"There's nothing you can do Jake. I lost my parents and it's not just some simple thing I can get over. I don't know how to keep going after this but I know that having you next to me makes things slightly easier."

"I'm right here." Jake said pulling me into him.

"How am I supposed to go on? How am I supposed to keep living after this?" I felt myself breaking on the inside.

"You fight and when you get too tired to keep fighting you lean on me or Becca or Monroe. You have people that are happy to hold you up when you need it."

"I think I'm broken." And that was the fear deep within me. I was scared that this had destroyed me beyond repair.

"You aren't broken, the fact that you are here right now trying at all is proof. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."