I Cᴀɴ'ᴛ Bᴇ ᴀ Mᴏᴍ: Aᴠᴇɴɢᴇʀs Wʀᴏɴɢ Nᴜᴍʙᴇʀ(Sᴇǫᴜᴇʟ)

Chapter 10// Wade

"Okay, so I beat up some immortal god guy, saved a pregnant lady and her fetus children, and still manage to break the fourth wall?" Wade Wilson, or Deadpool, chuckles, looking off into the distance with a smirk under his mask.
"Take notes readers, this is how to really be a hero."

Vic looks at the man in slight confusion, but then shrugs, before she remembers what happened back at the warehouse.
"Oh, shit! Are the Avengers okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry about them," Wade nods, taping a baton to his crunchy arm with some duct tape as they walk.
"They captured the goose lady and brought her back to Tony shart's tower, then called me up. According to the author, it was coz I'm hilarious, but the heroes of lame said it was coz I can handle a beating from the little man child."

"Right..." the blonde purses her lips, confused once more, then pulls out her phone.

. . .

[Chaos Group Chat]

Stick
Yo bitches

Undead Mom
Wtf kid where are you??

[Babe Wilson added Babe Wilson]

Barney
No
Not this shit again

Babe Wilson
Hi besties <33
Don't worry
The Queen is safe with me

Barney
Someone go get Vic before she spends too much time with Wade

Stick
WADE TF

Babe Wilson
IM SORRY I FORGOT YOU ARE BREAKABLE

Chicken
TF DID YOU DO

Undead Mom
WADE SPEAK

Chicken
TF BRO

Babe Wilson
Sorry kids, dad can't talk right now
He's got a little bit of a sitch
I'll be home in time for supper :)
Make chicken nuggets

. . .

Victoria groans as she lays back against a bridge support, Wade having successfully popped her arm back into its socket.
For context, the regenerative boi had forgotten that Vic does not have his superpowers, and so he had her take a trail off the main road, where she tripped and landed on her arm hard enough to dislocate it.

She's okay though.
And so are the kids because I'm the author.

. . .

When Vicky got back to the tower, she explained what happened to everyone, who were all very mad at Wade for being so irresponsible. Bruce insisted on giving her a checkup, and as the author had said before, her and her kids are fine.

Currently, everyone is sitting around the living room as they silently think of ways to deal with Evil Cloud Guy.

Vicky is sitting up against Ned, Peter on her other side. She could tell the 2 were very uneasy about the fact that Beck was back, knowing they had history. But even with the tension that hung in the air, Deadpool was visibly fine, even with a mask on.
He was typing away on his phone, his shoulders bouncing ever so slightly from silent chuckles.
"Yo, Wade, why do you look like you're enjoying the imminent death in the air?"

"Imminent death?" He chuckles, not even bothering to look up from his phone.
"More like imminent bored to death."
He snorts, typing again. It looked like he was texting someone.

"Who you talkin' to?"

The masked mercenary doesn't respond, still typing away, pausing between texts. His phone starts ringing and he immediately answers it, holding it up to his ear,
But...

"Wade... as soon as you get home-" the man fumbles with his phone as the call sounds throughout the now completely silent room, since Wade had accidentally turned on speaker, and the person on the other side wheezing and cackling as they gasp for breath is now heard by everyone.
"- I am going to force feed you.. a bar of fuCKING SOAP!!"

Everyone turns to him with quizzical looks, but he just answers the dying human on the other end of the call, their laughs still very audible.
"You know you love my jokes~"

"Asshole!"

"Bumbling shit muffin."

"Burnt pasta!"

"Love of my life~"
Even with Wade's mask, everyone could tell he had the most smug expression anyone could ever have.
The others just assume it's the man's significant other, who goes completely silent.

"Honey, if I could f-"

"Babe, you're on speaker!" He fumbles with his phone again, shutting off speaker as he stands up and walks out of the room.

Ned and Victoria exchange glances.
That just happened.

. . .

A/N:

Like I said this shit is everywhere.
I didn't even include the fight scene coz Idk what the fuck I'm doing here :/
Also, yes Wade does have a lover in my book.
I wonder who it could be >:)

Anywhosies

Larb u 3,000 <333

-𓅿