Lost Souls (KilluGon)

Why me?

Killua's POV:

I learned something very important last night. I realize now that as my first friend, Gon cares about me. I'm not going to be able to get away with being completely fake to him. I have to open up to him, even if it's just a little.

Which is really much harder than it sounds. He's the first person I've ever had to be genuine with. Of course I'll have to moderate the amount the things I tell him, and bend the truth a little sometimes.

Or most of the time.

Probably closer to all the time.

Ugh. This is going to be so much harder than I originally thought. I'm forced to open up to my soulmate and let him in when I've never opened up to anyone, accept . . . No!

I stop that thought before it starts. I can't cry all day. I can't cry period, I have to stop that bad habit, emotions only lead to pain. Therefore I must seal off mine. At least, for now. Plus, if I started crying, that would make Gon worry and I can't give him a foothold on the real me. That would compromise the mission.

This mission is getting too complicated. I thought that I wouldn't need two months to do this, but now it feels like I'll need three. I thought that this could be an in and out job, but the target isn't even on the island yet. Ugh. Fuck this. It's Friday and I need to get to school before I'm late.

***

I walk up to the school grounds to see Gon and company waiting for me. They seem to be arguing about something. I get close to try to catch the subject of their argument but Gon notices me first.

"Killua!" He calls, that blinding smile in his face. The smile of an angel is hard to stare at for more than a few seconds so I cast my eyes downward to stare at his shoes instead. "Hey! I was getting worried that you were gonna skip today too. But I'm glad you came!" That smile again.

"Yeah." Is all I manage to say, boring I know. Jesus. You can't talk to a boy all of a sudden? Get your fucking act together! "Me too." I add it on instinct. Aw hell naw. We're NOT doing this shit. I can't do this!! And I'm supposed to kill this kid's parent? Damn it all to hell.

"Come on, Gon! We're gonna be late!" Zushi yells, the others are standing with him in the front steps. Gon turns to him and in the split second I realize something. Something deadly.

It's like all those action movies when something really bad happens. Everything goes in slow motion. The cherry blossom petals, blowing in the wind as they float down by their inconsequential weight. Gon's raven-black-green-tipped hair, rustling in the wind as he turns to respond to his friend. His hands, his face, his eyes, his legs, his mouth, his lips.

Gon is my soulmate, I already knew that. What I didn't know, was that Gon is my soulmate, for a reason. I've known Gon, a total of what, three days? Already he has come up to me, and shattered all my defenses without my even knowledge. That in itself is a danger.

A danger, but not deadly, nor a cause for high alarm. A cause for alarm is me losing my cool, and not seeing this job through. This realization is a cause for a whole fuck ton of alarm.

Because while I knew that Gon is my soulmate, what I failed to realize is that it's more than that. I'm taking care not to reveal myself to him, but I'm slipping up a bit on purpose. I want him to know me, I want to be worthy of his trust, I want this mission to fall apart, I want this. I want him.

So you can see why, while Gon shouts to his friends about school and other insignificant problems that hold zero weight, I am stock still. Frozen from the moment I made the realization.