Here We Stand [H.S]

114.

I scanned her slowly, my brain analysing what she was about to do in the next room, my thoughts consisting of that very moment when the two of them would suddenly bond as mother and son, as Phoebe fed Callum gently.

Thoughts of how Callum would be safely tucked towards the soft, plump curve of her breast, his little belly getting full of milk and nutrients that was needed to give him a good, healthy start in life crept up into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind... torturing me over what could have been if Oscar was still inside of me.

In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and fear.

I didn't have a clue what was going to happen next between Harry and I, and at the same time, I wanted to scream at Phoebe and ask her to at least show an ounce of sensitivity towards us both.

But I knew I couldn't do that, I knew it wasn't her fault and I knew that she had no idea what was going on or had been going on with me.

It was so hard to describe the feeling of literally feeling all of the highs and then all of the lows, knowing that my best friend was experiencing something so magical, oohing and ahhing at each milestone Callum was reaching, and seeing her face beaming with complete joy... while I seemed to be empty and sometimes, my world completely black.

Harry's fingers suddenly tightened around mine as we were reminded of what could have been... that this would have been us in a few months, the two of us wrapped up in our little baby boy, giving him all the love he could ever want and need... being spoiled by his auntie Gemma, even auntie Phoebe too... Harry's parents dashing back and forth, Jo and Robin helping out too... my gran meeting Oscar for the first time.

I closed my eyes and held the tears back, feeling the love and comfort pour from Harry's fingertips into mine, the reminder of what we had created, shared and lost together seeped into my memory.

Our little boy.

"I'm sorry, I've just remembered I've got lots of work to do before Monday and my lecturer will kill me if it's not completed-" I stammered, nervously.

I abruptly stood up, handing over my cup to Liam as he too stood up from his chair.

I noticed Harry was still sat on the couch, a little confused at the way I just stood and announced that we were leaving.

"Already? You're leaving already?" Liam asked.

God, this was going to be hard.

Don't cry, don't cry.

"Yeah, sorry, if I don't get it in, I'll get in trouble and-"

"But you just got here-" Liam persisted, a look of perplexity on his face; "You really can't stay for a bit longer? Phoebe won't be long, she-"

"We'll come back." Harry said firmly, as he now stood behind me supportively; "Once she's done with her work, we'll come back."

"Oh... okay. Phoebs will be gutted." Liam sighed, as I felt the knife literally twist in my heart and guts.

"I know." I whispered, fighting back those tears, "Please tell her that I'm sorry. I'll call her later."

"So much for putting your bloody friends first, hm?"

I stayed silent, choosing to remember what Rachel had taught me in our therapy sessions.

I was a better person.

I wasn't going to snap at her, I wasn't.

I was going to ignore her, concentrate on myself and Harry, and get us out of here before our emotions took over and our cover was completely blown.