Wedlock - Harry Styles A.U

fifty seven

tw: emotional distress, brief mention of suicidal thoughts

ONE WEEK LATER

Edora

Standing outside of the house, I can't quite bring myself to step inside. My hand is on the door knob but I just can't turn it and my feet itch to move but my brain just won't allow it to happen. I inhale a shaky breath, nodding my head to myself, reminding myself that this is the last stretch of hurt before I can start to feel like myself again.

I really thought I was getting better but for every step I take forward, I only end up taking three steps back. I should be so undeniably happy - I have a husband who loves me and I'm blessed with three beautiful children. I have the kind of life people can only dream of and yet, I've never been more miserable in my life. My one good day led me to getting hopeful I could have many more but I had one and began to crash again.

The day after the Pleasing shoot, I had a check up appointment requested by the court. After many tests and checks, the doctor had deemed me physically capable to look after three children on my own for two days a week, so the very next day, I was taking Lula, Albie and Dulcinea back to my apartment with three bags on my back and a heart full of dread.

I felt like I had something to prove so I turned down Trixie's offer to help and I really did feel like I had everything under control but looking after three children proved to be more difficult than I had thought. Eight O'clock rolled around and Dulcinea was crying for a feed, but wouldn't feed, and Lula and Albie were crying for me to read them a story and anything else you could think of.

Nobody told me they didn't think I could do this on my own and nobody had to, I could see it on their faces and in the way they spoke to me so calling for help was never going to be an option. I wanted to finally prove myself so I persevered...I struggled through it for three hours.

Dulcie was refusing to feed so I did everything else possible to try and settle her but nothing worked. I know I probably shouldn't have but I left her in her cot to cry so I could read a story to Lula and Albie. I felt sick the entire time but it's all I could think of doing. They fought off sleep for as long as they could but when they were gone, they were gone so within seconds, Dulcie was back in my arms. It took a further half an hour before she took to breastfeeding.

Once Dulcie was in her cot, it was then my turn to try and sleep but of course, I didn't. However, this time, it wasn't because I was scared Dulcie would stop breathing in the middle of the night but because I knew if I slept then tomorrow would come quicker and I didn't want it to. I was already dreading waking up and having to do this all over again because somehow I knew tomorrow would be worse than today.

At first, I was just upset. I felt like a failure. I questioned my worth as a mother, as a wife and as a friend. I cried over the same things I've cried about for the past few weeks except this time, it felt ten times worse. It was agonising to think such things, feel such things and to cry so hard. Then I got angry because I'm in this position because of Harry and then wounds I never let heal started to bleed again.

I was in my bedroom, in an apartment that was once my own, caring for three children by myself because of a secret Harry had kept from me. I kept wondering if the result would've been different if he had just told me sooner. Would we have been able to build a stronger case? Find more evidence? Change the charge? Once that thought passed my mind, that's when the anger built within me because I didn't know any of this was happening because he lied to me - our whole relationship was built off of a lie.

I kept trying to push these thoughts out of my mind because it felt like old news. I didn't want to stir up new emotions to land on top of the ones I'm already dealing with but the truth is, once they began to rise I couldn't push them back down.