Wedlock - Harry Styles A.U

twenty six

Edora

It was a knock on my apartment door that pulled me from the depth of my tissue covered pit of a bed - the place I've not moved from since coming home after looking after the twins.

It was just yesterday that I had stormed out of Harry's house hand in hand with Ezra and ever since that moment, I've had this weight clinging to my chest and it's not something I can shake. It's restricting air flow and keeping me up at night. It has my stomach constantly flipping, my mind racing, hands trembling. I don't think I've stopped feeling sick since I got in Ezra's car.

It was only eight in the evening when we arrived back at my apartment and I welcomed him into my apartment. For a total of three hours I fought off the urge to give into that sinking feeling and breakdown into tears.

Ezra tried to cuddle up to me but I ended up pushing him away and instead, cuddled how we always do; I rested my head on his lap and he played with my hair so my bump is as far away from him as possible. As we watched the movie, I told myself that tonight was when I was going to tell him I'm pregnant because Harry is right, he deserves to know but every single time I opened my mouth to speak, no words came out.

I choked on those two words - I'm pregnant.

Maybe it's because I feared his reaction and where it might take me or maybe it was because I just didn't care enough to tell him. I put a lot of effort into hiding it but never enough into telling him. My heart just isn't all in it.

Ezra is yet to spend a night at my apartment, which seems silly considering we're literally grown adults but sharing a bed usually means spooning and that tends to mean a hand draped over my stomach...or in my case, a hand over my bump. He seems okay with not spending the night though, especially after I had told him I want to take things slow, which has meant he's also okay with us having not slept together.

With that being said, he has touched me. I just told him that I needed to keep my crewneck on as I'm a little insecure of being naked and he was happy to comply. Unfortunately for me, his fingers didn't really do much. He found the clit, something Harry was very wrong about (I thank his medical profession for that) but I was just too in my head to enjoy myself. I was always so worried about everything so ended up just faking an orgasm and would avoid confrontation after that.

He's nice. He's really fucking sweet.

Ezra is the kind of guy you never worry about your parents meeting. In fact, you're all for it because you know there's not a bad bone in his body and you find yourself actually wanting to show him off. You don't fear that people will hate him because it's impossible to hate him.

All in all, I just feel a bit empty and heavy at the same time. I don't understand what I'm feeling and I have no idea what direction I should be taking. I'm a bit of a mess to say the least.

I haven't seen Harry since storming out of his house because he never come home to the twins. It was Asher who relieved me of my nannying duties today as apparently, Harry was stuck at the office with too much work. It hadn't bothered me at all. I was actually dreading seeing him so this was good. I left very quickly and climbed straight into bed.

Ezra has been texting me all day and I see his messages, I read them as they pop up and I tell myself to respond but I just don't have it in me. I don't want to talk to anyone. I need to lay here and figure out what the fuck is going on with me and what my next steps are.

Realistically, I need a long chat with Trixie where she can be brutally honest with me, but she's across the country visiting her mom and I don't want to bother her whilst she's away.

I ignore the knocking and continue to fiddle with the abortion leaflet from the first scan I had recieved. I can have an abortion up to twenty four weeks. I'm now eighteen weeks and although it seems cruel to abort the baby so late, it really is looking like my only option and that hurts my heart even more.