Ice Blue

Chapter 22

Valentin

"Since when is she gone?" Cesare asks.

My heart is pounding. Way too fast.

My eyes are burning and I feel like throwing up.

She grabbed my collar, she kissed me, I pushed her away, I held her hand, I buried myself in her, I yelled at her, I hurt her. Everything that happened last night is replaying in my mind. Over and over again. Every word I said comes back to me like a boomerang and hits me right in the throat, cutting my airways off. I'm chocking on my own words. My head is heavy and I want to scream. No matter how hard I'm balling my fists, digging my nails in my palms, I won't get it. How could I be so disgusting? My knuckles turn white. I want to crush something but I don't know what because nothing will change what happened.

My heart is heavy.

"I don't know." I tell him.

My mouth is dry and it's 5 in the morning. I called Cesare and Dante but Dante was on his way to his grandson. He's forced to come back now and it will probably take a few more hours until he gets here.

The silence in the house is murdering me. The rain outside is loud and the crackle of the fireplace is already annoying me.

I can't breathe.

"What happened between you...?" he's hesitating. Scared to ask because he knows there's something wrong but he's ready to help.

I rub my eyes with my palms, hoping I can shove the tears back.

What happened between us?

I broke her heart. I hurt her. Threw all the things I was keeping to myself to not hurt her right into her face. I did it on purpose. Using my firm voice like a knife to cut off some pieces of her. I feel like throwing up. All the things I did... I can't tell him about them.

"We argued, she went to her room and disappeared." The shaking in my voice is embarrassing but I can't hide it. "She didn't disappear. You know that." He says, seriously. It's been a while since the last time I heard him like this. Serious and concentrated. Bothered and worried. He is right. She didn't kill my security on the way out. Whoever got her out here did it so silently that nobody heard it. I want to hit my head against the wall because I don't understand how any of this happened. Whoever is responsible knows this place well enough to get her out. To get in and find her without bumping into me. Hah. It was impossible for them to bump into me because I was sitting in my office like an idiot, trying to avoid running into Anastasia.

"I'm so fucking stupid...." I mumble. I can't control what I'm saying because I feel numb. My body feels heavy but so lightweight like a feather at the same time. I feel like I'm dead. "What?" Cesare sounds confused. "It's my fault." i blink hard to keep the tears at bay. It's been over a year since I cried the last time because I didn't have a reason to cry after my sisters death. I got stronger and stopped crying because I lost everything I had. Everything that mattered to me. My whole family. I had nothing to lose. Nothing was worth to cry over.Nothing ever hit me hard enough after that. Until I lost Anastasia.

"V..." I can hear the sadness in Cesare's voice. He feels awful but that's nothing compared to what I feel right now.

"I didn't care for her." I let my head fall back. It's too heavy to carry. I can't breathe. "I hurt her." My lungs are hurting. "I left her alone." It hurts. "It's my fault." I breathe out like I've been in the desert for too long, aching for some water with sand in my lungs.

"It wasn't your fault. Someone took her away." He tries to assure me but I can't take it anymore. I can't hear it. I can't stand it. I don't want to be comforted. "Because I wasn't careful enough!" I lean in and slam my hand down on the flat glass table so hard that it breaks under my palm and cuts into my skin but I can't even feel the pain. I don't mind it because I deserve to suffer more. She is right with everything she said. I'm a fucking monster who likes to lock her up without caring for her needs. I don't care about her mother or her father. They deserve it and everything that's coming for them but she doesn't. I was so stubborn and focused on my goal because falling in love wasn't planned and now I lost her. I was so focused on myself and what I wanted that I forgot to ask her about what she wanted. Needed.