Harry Potter and the Phosphorus Rock

Chapter 4- Harry Learns He is a Wizard?!

The door was blasted off the hinges and a really big man stood there. It was the same guy that left Harry on the doorstep 11 year ago, but he didn't know that yet.

"What the h*ll, get out!!" Aunt Petunia shrieked after slithering down the stairs behind Uncle Vernon, who was holding a shotgun. Which he acquired through normal means.

"Um, no," the man said, and tied the shotgun into a knot. He was like 8 ft tall and super strong. His hands were the size of hands that were really big. Also he had a beard btw.

"I'm here for Harry. Which one of yous is Harry?" The large man tried to ask, and Vernon's face turned purple and his mustache twitched angrily.

"IM Harry," Harry said, chaotically. The large man stomped forward and handed him a letter. It was addressed to "Harry Potter, some random tower in the ocean for some reason, Britain (god save the queen)." Harry tried to open it but uncle Vernon yelled.

"HES NOT GOING TO THAT FREAK SCHOOL!"

Harry opened the letter and it invited him to "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" um wtf?

"You're a wizard, Harry," the giant man said.

"But I'm just Harry?" he said iconically.

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME! Sorry, force a' habit. You're a wizard. Where do you think your parent's learned it all, silly goose?"

"Learned what?" Harry asked.

"It's literally so obvious, what do you mean?" The man asked, "Anyway, I'm Hagrid! Here's a cake, I got hungry on the way and ate half but it should still be good. Happy birthday!"

"So my parents were wizards???" Harry was really confused, which actually is normal given the circumstances.

"Of course they were freaks like you!" Petunia hissed, "Then they got murdered and we got stuck with you, so I'm so glad that happened. Ugh."

"Murdered? You said they died in a fiery and bloody car crash!"

"CAR CRASH?!?!?!?! CAR CRASH?!?!!?!" Hagrid looked like he was losing his marbles. "JAMES AND LILY DYING IN A CAR CRASH?!!??!" He took a deep breath and said, "James and Lily died heroically by being killed by He-who-must-not-be-named which makes them heroes for some reason."

Harry looked down at his half eaten cake and his letters and decided he was going to this school to become a child soldier for the cause in order to avenge his parents which then would scar him dramatically and give him even more PTSD.

"I'm going to this school."

"Alright, 'Arry. Let's go." Then, Hagrid takes out his umbrella and blasts Dudley's fat @$$, giving him the features of a pig, which was no doubt his spirit animal, because, you guessed it. He's fat.

And so, despite his Aunt and Uncle suddenly wanting him for some reason, they were powerless to stop Hagrid from abducting him!