It's Our Secret

Ettie's Letters - To Leah

Ettie's Letters: the fifth part

Leah. My Leah. 

I'm not even sure how I am supposed to start writing this. How I am supposed to recap something so complicated, like us, in one letter? But, when I decided to write these letters, you were the person who I knew deserved this explanation the most. Deserved these words from myself. So, I'll try to do my best to give you a sense of closure. A sense of peace. You deserve it Leah. You deserve so much more than me.

When we first met, we were young. We were young, teenage girls who had no idea who we were or what was installed for us. We went about life without worries, without care. We thought the world was our oyster, and it was, for so many years. I knew that as soon as I saw your bright eyes, and comforting grin, you were going to be someone special to me. You lit this bright light in my heart. You had so much confidence, and character, and that was something I needed, when I was 16.

I had liked you ever since then. I had always liked you. Even when we were apart, and playing in different cities, you were always in the back of my mind. I always thought of you as my childhood dream, and moving past you was just a push towards reality. I lived with that understanding for many years.

But then, when I moved down to London, and I saw you once more, something clicked again. A new light emerged in my heart, and I saw you at the end. I saw your brightness, and I gravitated towards it. I know that sounds cheesy, but I never could stay away from you for too long. I could never leave you or be without you for too long, Leah.

We had a rocky relationship. I know that, and you know that. But, it was always going to be you. Each time we had a problem, and broke apart, I found my way back to you and you found yours back to me. It was impossible to be apart. You were inevitable.

You were my first love, Leah Williamson. The first person I thought would be my forever. And now, that I am no longer here, you will be my last. My last love. My true love.

I'm sorry to be leaving you. I want nothing more than to be by your side throughout the rest of our lives. I want to be hugging you after your games, comforting you after your losses, and being beside you after your biggest wins. I want to be the person who you try and find in the stands, and hug after your achievements.

But, that won't happen, at least, I don't think it will. I don't see myself making it past the last game, so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not talking to you, or for trying to save myself. But you know me, Leah, you know that I couldn't do that. Maybe I'm stubborn, or maybe I'm just stupid, but I have dreams, and ambitions, and I want to win big.

So, now that I'm gone, I want you to win big for me. I want you to be lifting trophies, and winning awards with no looking back. Don't think about what could've been, but rather what is. Look at the future with open eyes. Try to find the opportunities within life. I don't want to be holding you back, Lee, but rather I want you to be flying. Flying in the face of grief or sadness.

I know this will be hard. I know you will take this hard. If the situations were reversed, I would be too. I would be imagining ever single interaction we had ever had, and replaying them over and over in my mind, trying to find clues to tell me what more I could've done. But, I don't want you to do that. I want you to not hold onto this past. I don't want to be the thing that restricts you from greatness, because I know that is what is coming for you. Absolute greatness.

But rather, I want you to use this grief and put them into something useful. Change this world, Leah Williamson. Change this god damn world for the better. That's all I ask. I ask that you try to do something great. I know you have it in you.

I also want you to know that you have people. You have a whole community who loves you, including my sister. Look out for each other. Keira will need you, and you will need her. When you see her, talk about all the fun memories, of me or you two together. Don't wallow in the grief, but laugh in memory of the happiness. Tell her your stories, and she'll tell you hers. Be there for one another. You will both need it.

I want you to know, Lee, that I will always be here. I'll always be right here. In your heart and in your memories. I will be living on in you, hoping that you can feel me. Feel my love in your heart. Whenever you need, look up at the stars. Look up at them and remind yourself of me. You always questioned why I loved the stars, and now, you will understand. You will understand that once you lose someone, they become a guiding presence. Something external that you can't quite understand, but will always bring you comfort.

I love you, more than this entire universe, Leah Williamson. More than you will ever comprehend. I hope you know that. I hope that you will always know that.

Forever your girl,

Ettie