It's Our Secret

Chapter 23 - Keira

Keira's POV

Being Ettie's sister, I won't lie, has been challenging. She's always been one step in front of me, whether that was in football or in life. She was selected first, she debuted first, and, as a twin, that was hard. But, I was always proud of her. Proud of my younger twin for following her dreams, as it meant that I knew I could too.

But, as Ettie went through everything she did in 2019 and 2020, it meant that I was left to pick up the pieces. As I thrived, on and off the pitch, I was also left to help her. Help her deal with the repercussions of an eating disorder. An eating disorder that I knew would change her life forever.

Over the last few months, I had been in Manchester, and she was in London. I was playing for City and she was playing for Chelsea. I felt a lot of guilt. I felt guilty that I could no longer be there, looking out for her, making sure she was eating her breakfast, lunch and tea, and that she wasn't over exerting herself in the gym. But, Lucy always reminded me that I had to worry about myself before I could worry about her.

"I know you're worried about her," Lucy said, after Ettie had left Manchester, "but I want you to be focusing on yourself now." She pulled me over to where she was sitting on the couch, and as I fell into her lap, I wrapped my arms around her, burrowing my head into her neck.
"I love you," I said to her, before kissing her. Lucy's been my rock over the past few years, and after her stint at Lyon, I was so happy that she was back in England. Back with me.

Since arriving at camp in early June, I had noticed that Ett had been acting strange again. Acting like she had when issues first started to arise for her when she was 16. I never knew how the issues around her eating disorder started, even as her twin. Ettie has always been a private person. I used to think that I knew when she was keeping a secret. We'd always joke about our twin telepathy, however, since we were teenagers, I lost that ability. Although, she didn't lose hers. She knew when I was being secretive, but I didn't know when she was.

Her strange acting wasn't a result of anything I knew of, but what I did know was that she was eating at weird times again, and distancing herself from me. Last time she did that, she was struggling. But, I wasn't allowed to bring it up. Any of it. So instead, I aimed to hint at the fact I knew she was struggling.

When Ettie started dating Hayley a few years back, I was so happy she had finally found someone. Found someone to help me piece her back together in a sense. But, for some reason, and for a reason that I don't know of, they collapsed. They fell apart like a lot of things in Ett's life. And as I tried to comfort her, I only ended up feeling the pain Ettie felt. I could feel it, within me.

"I don't know what to do," I said to Mum on facetime, as I lay in my bed in Tokyo.
"Keira, I think she's fine."
"Mum, she's not. I know she's not. Something is up, and I can feel it. Mum, I feel it."
"Please don't bring this up with her," Mum asked. When Ettie went through her eating disorder, it affected Mum badly. She hated that Ettie went through that, and now, she tries to forget, which is the worst thing a parent can do.
"Yeah, okay," I said to her, before hanging up, and heading to bed.

"Ettie asked me about you," Lucy said, coming out of the bathroom.
"What?" I asked her, confused.
"Yeah, she was asking why you were acting funny."
"Me acting funny? She's the one being weird!"
"I'm not sure she is, Keira."
"Why does no one see it! She's been so different. She's distancing herself from me again." I looked at Lucy, tears slightly in my eyes. She came over, and sat beside me.
"Well," Lucy started to say, "I probably should tell you then, I want to say around November or something, last year, I found Ettie in the bathroom." My eyes perked up, so worried, but Lucy soon reassured me. "She wasn't doing anything like that, she was just sitting on the toilet, but then I asked her what happened, and she said that she can't tell me, and she can't tell anyone." I was so bemused by this, and slightly mad that Lucy didn't tell me.
"Did you catch her like that again after that?" I asked her. She shook her head.
"No, I didn't. But, to be fair to her, everyone's allowed their secrets, and it wouldn't have been right for me to push her for hers." I nodded, knowing Luce was right.
"I just don't even know what it would be about," I said to her.
"Maybe it's nothing. Maybe she doesn't like a player on her team, or maybe she's finding it hard to live by herself?" All these answers were plausible, but not right. I was going to get to the bottom of this.