Salvation

Chapter 11: How my tears fell subconsciously

"God, why am I crying?" I repeatedly sob, my breath kicking in my throat as my mouth fights to contain the loud sob that is threatening to destroy me. I push my hand into my chest, trying to stop my self-pity. I cover my mouth with my shaking hand as the sob can no longer be contained, and I feel the heartbreak of a sob vibrating through me.

I have no right to complain about my life; every part of it is made out of my choices and mistakes. I don't deserve the life that I have right now; it is too good for me that I can't even appreciate it. I have an excellent partner who loves me to the best of his abilities; he has trying his best to change and live up to his promises. I have a fantastic job and a boss who has been the most significant source of joy over the past three months. I have good work friends in Amy, Janet, and Stuart. Yet, here I am, sitting on my bed, hugging my knees, crying my heart out because I am ungrateful.

Taking a deep breath, I pull on a pair of old shorts and old beaten up boots before walking downstairs to see David still snoring his head off on the couch. I quietly open the front door, and I sit down on the porch bench.

I can feel the wetness of my cheeks as the cold night air hits them, and I wipe away the fresh freefalling tears. I close my eyes, trying to stop myself from crying, and it takes me a while to be able to gain control over my enveloping emotions. The dark aching hole in my chest is starting to spread and shoot its roots throughout my body. Once I manage to stop the tears of falling from my eyes, I am left to focus on the overwhelming feeling of being lost.

Cuddling my arms around my body, I look up at the shining stars that twinkle in the blackness of the night sky. A memory of my father overtakes me, and I feel my chin tremble once again as I let out a staggered breath. He always used to tell me when I was sad, even over something trivial as scraping my knee, he would say; "The darkest night produces the brightest stars,"

Something inside me was pulling me to a place that I haven't dare to go to in the longest time. I take a deep breath as I try to gain the courage that I so desperately need. I sneak back into the house, and I grab my car keys before driving out of the street. I can feel my heart rate increasing, and I have a sweeping feeling of nausea taking over my body as my hands grip the steering wheel.

I chew on my lip, trying to stop the trembling of my hands, my knuckles white as my grip tightens. I drive through the large, towering gates that guard the past and the horrible guilt of the events that unfolded during that night. The sickness grows as I pull up on the side of the dirt road, and I shake my hands, trying to gain my breathing back while walking along the dew-covered grass.

'Here lay James and Sophia Summers'

I drop to my knees in front of the large gravestone. Tears fall freely, like raindrops racing down a windowpane. Sobs rack through my body as guilt spreads like cancer throughout me. I rest my head against the cold marble. I will never forgive myself for their deaths, and I will never fully recover from it - it was all my fault as they died trying to save me from the flames.

I run my finger over the engraved names as I sob hopelessly into the night air. "I am so sorry; it's all my fault."

Bowing my head as my heart heaves, and I know the place in my heart will never be healed. They were the most loving people, and they were too perfect for a screw up like me. No one has ever loved me the way they did, and no one ever will, as I don't deserve it.

I lean forward, and I kiss the cold stone, and the smell of the early morning air fills my lungs. I shiver as the cold air whips around my bare arms and legs as I walk back to my car. I pull into the driveway, and the numbness spreads through me again, like a wildfire. I turn off the engine before sitting staring at the front door for a while.

I gently push open the door, trying to be as quiet as possible as I put the keys on the small table beside the door. I jump when I turn around to see David standing, staring at me - his eyes gazed over, showing nothing but deadness behind them.

"Where the fuck were you?" David slurs angrily as he stumbles over to me - still drunk. My hands being to clam up in fear as he pushes me against the front door. His hands are digging into my shoulders.

"I was getting fresh air," I tell him as tears stung at my eyes. I watch as his eyes flash with rage, and he slams me against the door with a loud thud. The panes digging into my back, causing tears to roll down my cheeks, flowing the tracks left by the many that have poured down my cheeks tonight.

"You were sleeping with someone, weren't you?" David rages as he screams into my face. The smell of stale mixes of alcohol assaulting my senses. I squeeze my eyes shut as he slams me against the door for the third time. I whimper under the pressure of his arms, pushing and holding me in place.

His hand leaves behind the sting and the watering of my eyes. "David, please stop,"

"Tell me," He screams unhinged. "Tell me you were out sleeping with someone."

I look him in the eye, trying to beg him to calm down, "David, I wasn't. I haven't cheated on you, and I never will. I love you and only you,"

He drops me to the floor, and I scramble back from him.

"Where were you?" He fumes as he stocks over to me. His hands wrapping around my hair, holding my face in front of him, leaving me dangling in midair.

I whimper in his grasp, "I was at the graveyard,"

I cannot hold in my tears as he drops me to the floor, and I sob. His rough hands grab at my chin before looking me over. His hands harshly wipe away my tears, but his eyes are far from kind. A creepy and evil smile breaks out over his face as he shoves me back to the ground.

I gasp for breath as the wind is sucked from my lungs by his swift and hard kick into my stomach. He stumbles back away from me, watching me for a few seconds as I lay there winded in a cold sweat, gasping for air while fresh tears grace my cheeks. I feel my eyes blur as I watch him stumble up to the bedroom. I try to blink away the haziness, but I end up feeling sickness sweep me again.

I stay frozen on the floor, squeezing my eyes shut until I can breathe again. I scramble up from the pile on the floor before laying down on the couch. I knew that I could not go back to our bed, especially with David being this furious with me, thinking that I am cheating on him. I know that he will not want me anywhere near the bedroom, never mind sharing a bed with him. So, I will sleep on the couch for tonight.

As I drift off to sleep, I find myself wishing that I could always be as happy as I was tonight when I was with Nathan, but maybe I am not meant to be happy.