Salvation

Chapter 11: How my tears fell subconsciously

Chapter Eleven: How my tears fell subconsciously

Edited and Rewritten

A deep melancholy wraps around me like a cold blanket as I lean my head against the door. Light snores from David causes me to turn around to look at him. His chin covered in drool, and I can't help but smile at him.

I pull off his new shoes, and I untie his bow tie from around his neck before unbuttoning his top buttons, so he can breath better. I struggle to roll him onto his side so that he doesn't choke on his sick if he throws up. I take off my heels as my feet throb. I kiss the top of David's head before making my way up to our bedroom.

I put away his shoes and mine, so they are kept pristine. I unzip my dress, stepping out of it, and I hang it up at the back of the closet so that David wouldn't ruin it. I walk into the bathroom, looking myself in the mirror at how different I look compared to normal. I wipe off my makeup, and the bruises appear, showing the stark difference in my appearance. Tears build in my eyes as I look at my broken self before unpinning my hair, and it falls lifeless around my shoulders. I watch as my chin trembles, my self-hatred growing in me like cancer.

I stand back at I look at my bare skin as I stand broken and naked. My ribs are jutting out, like tree roots bursting from the forest floor—a yellowness over my skin from the shape of a belt buckle. I run my hands over my shivering skin. I turn on the shower, and I let the warm water wash away the glitter and the happiness that I know that I'll never be able to get back from tonight.

Emerging from the shower, an hour later in my deep hazing sadness with a deep aching in my chest that tremours down my body. I quickly dry my shaking body; before putting on, I put on one of David's shirts, and it skims my thighs. I run a towel through my soaking hair. I tie the damp mess into a high bun.

I get into bed, sitting with my knees at my chin as my thoughts run wild. I brush my fingers over my hand as I look at the developing yellowing bruise that was left behind by David. I feel that familiar aching growing in my chest as I push away the ugly thoughts of David. He loves me so much, and I must have done something to deserve it.

I can't fight my mind from replaying every detail of tonight. Nathan's deep warm laughter seems to run through my entire body, leaving behind a prickly sensation washing over me. I cannot wait to spend time at lunch with Nathan and his family. I think that Lillian reminds me so much of my own mother, and I just want to have that feeling of deep unconditional warmth and love again - the love that I lost when my parents died.

I hug my knees tightly to my chest as I look over at the empty side of our bed, where David should be now. He shouldn't be drunk and passed out on the couch downstairs because he can't control himself. I chew on my lip to stop myself from crying as I think about David's promises and broken. My eyes drift to the open window, curtains laying open from this morning. The moon acting as a spotlight on my misery, I can feel a sob building up in my throat like a ball of air, and I try to choke it back. I focus on the flickering streetlight outside, and I feel a splash on my knee. I gasp as I entirely tears are flowing freely and wildly down my cheeks.

I once read that when the tears are flowing subconsciously - that is when you know you are truly broken. A loud sob wrecks through my body, almost tearing my soul apart. I don't want to be broken anymore, I want to be strong, and I am sick of being scared of myself, and I am sick of feeling entirely broken by everything.

"Oh, my god. I am so messed up," I sob to myself as I wipe my tears away before running a hand through my damp hair. I wipe my running nose and laugh to myself, but it quickly turns into crying. I don't even know why I am crying; I don't even know where I would start to change - even if I was strong enough to change.