Birds Of War

Chapter Seventeen: Apologies and Declarations

Back to Nilsia's POV

I think the cracks in the ceiling are mocking me. How can they stand there? All cracked and broken, yet not crumble from the pressure? How do they withstand the burden of the weight hoisted upon them? It's completely unfair, that I lay here shattered while this ceiling stands strong, protecting my head from the rain. 

The rain is vengeful and has relinquished all mercy. The windows rattle day and night and glass cries as it's beaten by the wind. It howls and cries for me. 

I've lost the ability to cry. I haven't cried for days, since I laid on that floor. The day my sanity fell apart. All I can think of are the poor souls I destroyed. The agony I inflicted. I can't sleep, I don't even deserve the sleep for the pain I created. I haven't left the bed for days, I think three. I'm not paying attention to the passage of time. 

Patrik checks on me but I can sense his distance. I understand why, I told him that he was going to be a father. That his actions unwittingly costed him a life. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be able to digest the pain easily. I wish I could take it back. Let the secret die with me and the men in the throne room. Henry didn't even know, Father thought that it was too damaging. 

I don't think I love Henry. It's a difficult statement to make, yet a truthful one. How can I love man who if h knew my secrets, would surely kill me? Patrik learned of my secrets, that I am a monster and he did not harm me, even though he doesn't love me. Henry does not love me, so why should I love him? All he wants is a breeding mare and I'm fearful of the day he discovers that I cannot fulfill that duty. 

My heart breaks to know that I will not be able to have children. My duty, to continue the Umbran line has always been so vital to my identity. Possible even more so than being prejudice against humans. 

Saying nutzlos feels wrong. I feel disgusted with myself for falling for my Father's set of beliefs again. How can I be superior to humans, when I am a monster and they are innocent? I cause the nightmares that we must ordeal. 

I don't know what to do. The war feels as if it's coming to a crescendo and I am loyal to none. Being neutral is not a safe position in my situation. I am sickened by my Father's side, one that reeks of hate and blood. But, blood runs thicker than water. Then again, Patrik's side is the morally right side. I've known that since I was young, but simply deluded myself into believing different.

But how do I take a stance? How do I anything? 

I can't do anything right now. All I do is lay in bed and weep dry tears. I feel more useless than a captured pawn sitting beside the chess board.

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"You need to eat Nil" Patrik stern voice sounds as he sets down a new tray, with the old one still untouched. I stay silent, staring up at the jeering cracks. "Come on, please? Just a little?" 

I can't care to give a response. Nausea comes in waves, from lack of food or guilt. I can barely stand looking at Patrik knowing what I've done and what it's cost me. I think my deepest fear is Patrik still loving me. If he loves me, then I can disappoint him. So, I need to block him out for both our sakes. 

"Can I please just have some acknowledgment that you are lucid? Or should I get a doctor?" Patrik asks me. 

"I don't need a doctor." 

"Alright then." He walks down across the room to the table he likes to sit at. "I've heard news about the war if you would like to hear." 

I sigh and rub my eyes, "I really could care less now."  

"How can you not care? People's lives are at stake." Patrik states in his obnoxiously good self-righteousness. I sit up, looking away from the cracks and instead at him. Green eyes filled with surprise and a frown painting his lips. 

"I know that. But I'm too self centered to care. And since the war ends poorly for me either way, it means I don't really focus on troops movements or recently captured cities." Patrik stares at me, brows furrowed and lips in a thin line. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it. The smoke swirls around his stern face as he speaks. 

"You are not self centered." 

"Yes I am."

"No self centered person would care so deeply about family and duty. It's all you go on about. A As for the war ending badly for despite the victor, I disagree. In fact, I think that you will be safe either way." 

A laugh bubbles in my throat at his ridiculous statement. I stand up, slowly because of how tired I am and slightly pace around the room. "Safe? You think I am safe?" I cackle. "Oh, how have you deluded yourself from thinking I am anywhere close to safe currently." I turn to face him. "Yes, I am safe as of today, only because I am a useful political prisoner and bargaining tool. But, if Scaale wins, the people will want retribution for the heinous acts of Imperious and I will bare that price. You will not be able to protect me from justice. I will rot in prison. As for Umbra and Sapphirus winning, I will be physically safe. Until I cannot fulfill my duty to the crown." 

"What do you mean? Why can't you fulfill your duty?" Patrik interrupts. 

Tears well in my eyes, "because I cannot have children anymore! I am barren!" I wail. "And when Henry learns of it, when years go by and the nursery is still empty and there are no heirs, he will dispose of me! Lock me in a dungeon and find a fertile maid to pass their children off as our own!

"Oh" Patrik looks startled at this revelation as it sets in. He gives me a grim look, "You are trapped...I have trapped you."

Silence falls on the room, the only noise being the crackle of the fire and the water banging on the windows. Patrik puts his head into his hands, cradling it. His whole body starts to rack with sobs, first suppressed but then get louder and louder. "Nilsia, I am so sorry." 

"Please don't-

"No, please let me say this. War and death is coming and if I take this to my grave I will never forgive myself. Even from the afterlife." He cries. Slowly, he puts out the lit cigarette in his hands and grabs my hand from the chair. His hands are still as I remember, rough with callouses from sword fighting and send a soft tingle down my arm. "As God as my witness Nilsia, I will atone for what I have done to you for the rest of my life. I am so incredibly and deeply sorry. I will spend the rest of my living, breathing days hoping for your mercy. I'm so sorry for leaving you, for not listening, for putting you in an impossible situation. I'm so sorry. I don't expect your forgiveness. But I will work for it till I lay on my death bed and take my last breath. That is a promise." 

I stand there, mouth opened in shock as Patrik's cries sound around the air. A promised life of atonement is sacred in Scalaen culture. Not only has Patrik offered me apologies, he has promised his soul.