Birds Of War

Chapter Fifteen: Cigarettes under the Stars

I gaze at the sun disappearing behind the mountains, tears slipping down my face. The fire crackles softly as I silently watch the birds in the distance fly to their nests, their home. I stare at the glass plane with my tears dripping down the plane. 

My mind feels all foggy and scrambled, unable to think clearly sometimes. I'm not sure who I am at the moment or who I want to be. 

I feel like my thoughts are rubbish and my heart aches like a strained muscle. I enviously think of Patrik, who is probably forgetting his pain at the tavern with a pint of ale. It's unfair that I am left with a sober mind and he gets to experience  that brief moment of euphoria. 

All I do is sit and reminisce. I can't disappear into literature, reading is too impossible. I am unable to sleep with my mind never settling. If sleep does grace my presence, the terrors follow quickly behind. 

So my thoughts are dominated with memories. Laughter echoing through empty halls, the smell of ink and chalk, hushed kisses in broom closets, the taste of cigarettes, longing glances across crowded classrooms, and soft green bedsheets. All the memories and images in my mind making what if's? linger. 

Soft patter of footsteps outside the door catches my attention. I wipe my palm across my cheeks and swipe my fingertips underneath my eyes. I clear my throat as the iron door handle creaks and the large door opens. 

"Nilsia?" Patrik's deep voice sounds throughout the room. "Oh, good, I thought you might be asleep." 

He steps into the room, closing the door behind him gently. "No, I uh" I shake my head, "I'm surprised to see you here at this time."  I confess. 

Patrik takes a seat at the table, making himself comfortable by crossing his legs. 

I continue, "Isn't this when you go to the tavern?" He shrugs his shoulders and I notice him twist his family ring. 

"Decided that you are more important." My eyes widen slightly at his comment.

"Oh" 

"So what are you up to?" Patrik switches conversations with a soft smile. I let out a light chuckle. 

"Just watching the sunset." I turn back to look at the nearly red sky. 

Patrik lets out a soft, almost silent, sigh as he looks outs the window with me. The distant mountains are a deep violet while the forest below is already in a blanket of darkness. 

I hear a soft click and turn to watch as Patrik lights a cigarette hanging from his lips. Our eyes  meet and he takes a long inhale of the stick. He lifts the cig out of his mouth and breathes out the smoke. "Want one?" 

I lift my shoulders indifferently, "Why not?" 

He pulls another out of his pack resting on the table and reaches over across. I lean forward, off the windowsill, reaching out to meet him. Our outstretched hands softly collide as I stretch my fingers around the small cigarette. Muted jolts of what feels like magic tingle down my wrists from his long fingers. 

I retract my hand, slightly startled by the feeling. Patrik sits back down with a small blush on his face. He fishes back into his pocket and produces a lighter. He stands up and takes a few steps toward me. 

The windowsill seat creaks with the added weight as he gracefully sits across from me. As his cigarette stills loosely hangs from his lips, he takes the lighter and flicks the top open. 

My curious eyes follow him as a familiar soft click sounds again. I put the cigarette in-between my chapped lips and lean forward. The dancing flame leaps in joy as he carefully reaches across our laps. 

I meet his deep forest green eyes and then avert my gaze to the end of my cigarette. I take a deep breath and inhale the bitter sweet scent. 

Patrik leans back and takes a long puff, staring out the now dark sky. "Couldn't you have used magic to do that?" I joke after a moment of silence. 

"Yes, but I enjoy doing things by hand" he breathes out. "Gives you an appreciation for the finer moments in life." 

"You've always been like that," I let out a puff of smoke while balancing the cigarette between two fingers. "Using a pen instead of a charmed quill or making your own tea." 

Thinking of the past brings a wave of nostalgia and sorrow. I can feel the weight of the world crushing my shoulders and the grief of the past makes it unbearable. 

Patrik graces me a soft, almost sad, smile. "Gives me admiration for those without magic." He pauses as a frown graces his face. "How was the book?"

"The book?" I exhale some smoke as he takes puff. 

"The human one," I nod in understanding. 

"I finished it awhile ago," I answer. Patrik silently nods, urging me to continue. "It was alright I suppose, not a favorite though. I really don't prefer romance." 

"And?" He looks at me directly, with a desperate yet inquisitive gaze. 

"What do you want me to say Patrik?" I exasperate. "That I've changed my mind? That a book enlightened me?"

Patrik stares at me, smoke tracing his harden face. "I just hoped that it may have opened your eyes." 

"Patrik-" I sigh. "You don't understand." 

"I think I understand perfectly" he scowls. 

"I just...it's so confusing." 

How can it be confusing?" He questions. 

"All my life I've had people telling me what to think. It's so frustrating to be forced to have my values challenged and tried. The Winston family has ruled for centuries on the premise of Imperious ideology. Hating nutzlos is what we do in Umbra. So who am I if I lose this integral part of my identity?" I pause, taking a long breath of smoke. "I know you want to fix me, but I am damaged beyond repair." 

Patrik keeps his eyes steady on me as he analyzes my words. I look out the window again, the stars are out now, twinkling in the cloak of darkness. 

"You would be a person." 

"What?" I turn to face him again. The moonlight illuminated his face and the smoke whirling around him. 

"You asked who you would be if you are no longer imperialist," He explains. "You would be a person. A good person." 

I sigh and inhale another breath of the toxic smoke. "I know I'm not in the right," I shrug. 

I continue, "But I'm willing to lose my humanity, after all, we can't all be good."