White Orchids {BOOK 1 COMPLETED}

Chapter 3

We're in the car for over fifteen minutes before we start talking. First we talk about dad, about memories I've hidden somewhere deep inside of me, the ones I only bring forth when Emma needs it. For me it's easier to not constantly think about it. For Emma it's like she's living on memories. Sometimes I wish I could forget them completely, because there are times when they come up to the surface without me looking for them. When that happens it's never pleasant. It can happen when I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone that didn't know about it, then it's hard to explain why I suddenly lost myself in the middle of a sentence. I can't say I thought about a memory I've pushed away of my dead father. No, in most cases I pretend I was thinking of something else. Eventually we talk about other things, about her mental health and that mom and Anders will marry. I tell her that in most cases in Sweden you can be engaged many years before you marry - if you even marry - she doesn't seem to think that's the case with mom and Anders.

"If they marry, I'm not going," she says and takes a sip of the water.

"Do you dislike Anders?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "No, I don't dislike him. I don't understand why they have to do everything so quickly... then it's the whole thing with dad too."

"Mom must be allowed to move on."

I should be careful with the words I chose after her meltdown, but she didn't seem offended or upset over what I said.

"Yes, but I don't understand how she can move on when it didn't end in a normal way. Dad was taken from us, it wasn't like they stopped loving each other. I don't understand how she stop loving him and start loving someone else when there wasn't a real ending of their relationship."

I lean forward and look out of the car window. It's dark inside and the only thing that lightens the area are the lamps on the house.

"I don't think she stopped loving him. I don't think you can stop loving someone that is taken away from you in that way, but that doesn't mean that you can't love someone else."

"She loves them both?" she asks.

"Yes, one does not exclude the other."

"She stopped going to dad's grave."

"I think that's her way of moving on, but the love will most likely always be there."

Emma leans her head towards the window.

"Shall we go back? We can go straight to the guest room and stay there to the morning."

"No, I meant what I said. I don't want to be there for a second longer. You can stay if you want to. I'm going home tonight."

"I don't think it's good to drive home now, not after you've been so upset. Can't you try?"

She turns towards me, her lips are tightly shut together. "I've tried. I tried when I came here when I didn't want to. I tried at dinner even though it felt like I was going to throw up. Just because my attempts don't look like yours doesn't mean I'm not trying."

I sigh. She will not change her mind, either she goes home alone or I go with her and make sure she doesn't have another meltdown. I already know what mom will ask me to do and I know that I'll yield.

"I'll come. Can I get our bags first?"

"Do you want you want. I'll stay in the car."

I don't blame her for it. I rather not go back and answer a bunch of questions that Anders' side of the family will have, but we can't leave our things here.

"I'll be back shortly," I say and get out of the car.

***

I throw our bags, as well as my purse, into the backseat. They didn't say anything when I came inside, they pretended that nothing had happened. All they asked was if we were going home now, and mom thanked me for going with Emma. I'm not sure if I'm thankful or annoyed. I wish mom had said something else, or that they didn't pretend nothing had happened. There was a heavy, thick atmosphere over the whole house that spoke for them, maybe that's why it left an unpleasant taste in my mouth when they didn't say anything when it was so tangible.