Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 17

Two weeks later, when I wake up on Wednesday, everything feels like it's just too much. My limbs feel heavy. My brain feels like someone is fucking with the dial of a radio and the only thing they are finding is static.

I go to class on autopilot, not really listening to my professors. I don't talk to anyone at all, not even Toby, Shelby, and Amy. When I'm in the dorm, I don't do anything except listen to music and sleep. The only time I eat is when I snag a handful of chips at midnight.

I fucking hate that at random times throughout the "Dark Episode"--it's what I call the periods where my depression is too much and I feel like I'm floating through my days in a haze-- that I just start sobbing at random for no reason.

Well, there are reasons, they're always floating around my brain, but during times like this, they are all I think about. And I hate it.

Toby's worried about me.

On Thursday, he tries to get me to engage with society by asking me to go with him to get coffee.

"Come on, Jay, getting out will help you feel better."

"I'm fucking fine!" I feel guilty as I'm yelling at him, but I can't bring myself to apologize to him. "Just leave me alone."

On Friday, Amy and Shelby stop by the dorm. I've actually managed to put on pants and load up the PS4. I even had breakfast; ramen noodles I warmed up in the microwave in the community kitchen, but it's something. I sit in silence, playing my game as Shelby and Amy talk.

"Abel's been asking about you." Shelby pauses. "He's worried about you, Jess."

I shrug. "I'll text him later."

But I don't text him that night.

I don't text him Saturday or Sunday.

I can't bring myself to be social right now.