sambucky shorts

touch

Rewrite of Domestic 1 & Relationship 2

1

Bucky often pondered, questioning his existence around Sam; Sam was everything Bucky wasn't, he was just grateful to even exist alongside Sam, but to share their lives with each other was a gift Bucky couldn't help, but question. Nothing he did was ever going to measure up to Sam, at least within his own heart that's what it felt like –he had been undone and sewn up so many times he questions why Sam even says he loves him. Bucky can't fathom that he deserves good things too, he knows it, he's ugly inside and out. Nothing's going to change that.

Nothing is going to change what you did; you know that right?

Bucky grimaced and pressed his palms to his eyes,"No, that's not true."

He started pacing in his room, something he rarely uses, but Sam insisted he stop sleeping on the floor. Bucky smiled at the thought of Sam, he understood, the feeling of laying on anything that wasn't a hard cot felt like he was sinking, falling down until he was lost forever. It made sleeping on his bed hard, ironically enough, Bucky would wake up suddenly or roll out of bed, but he tried. He was doing okay and eventually he grew accustomed to the bed, with the help of Sam. Sam made everything easier for Bucky, and by accepting that he should take care of himself (though not all the time, Bucky had struggles) by sleeping in an actual bed, Bucky did it.

Something that Bucky still had a hard time with despite all the years that passed and how hard he worked to change himself for the better –those who knew who he was always had this look whenever he was around. It never lasted more than a second before their face contorted into something of pity and embarrassment. They always take one look at him, they judge him before they know him, the real him. Except Sam. Sam treated him like everyone else, if anything in the beginning they acted like they were nothing, but co-workers. It was nice, Bucky never felt that it was out of some misplaced fear or pity, Sam treated him like a person, and it was so nice.

Sam's so nice.

Sam never once made Bucky feel uncomfortable in his own body, his own skin. Bucky never wanted to be more than someone's colleague in a long time, Bucky would settle for being friends with Sam if that's all that happened. If we're really being honest: Bucky would settle for anything if Sam had anything to with it. He yearned for more with him, Bucky would do anything for Sam to love him back, but he was complicated, and Bucky wasn't about to ruin any semblance of a friendship he had with Sam with his hopeless affections for him. He has dozens of confirmed kills, he was an assassin, he didn't deserve anything. Nothing about him was worth loving and his actions only proved that.

Yet, Bucky had to learn that he couldn't control that, just as he couldn't change what happened in the past. He grew to understand while that was him physically, it wasn't really him.

There was some part of him that wished to be like everyone else, Bucky wanted so badly to show people that he was like them, he had wants and needs. Bucky wanted love. Bucky wanted to share the intimate parts of him. Bucky wanted to hold hands, hug people, Bucky wanted soft things, too.

Bucky, eventually, got things he wanted. Sam started to touch him, pat his shoulder whenever they shared laughs and gave him hugs that started lasting a little longer when they parted ways. And, Bucky hates the way he still wants more, cursing himself because he should just be happy with what he has. Afterall, Sam owed him nothing, yet for some reason Bucky felt he owed him everything for being there, for seeing him. For doing everything Bucky can't. It led to some codependency developing in their relationship, but they worked with it, neither Sam nor Bucky said anything about how he [Bucky] had become a little more malleable around Sam. It was a blessing and a curse, Bucky would be happy with whatever he was given and wouldn't ask for more, but Sam wanted Bucky to be confident, he wanted him to know that he was allowed to have the things he wanted and ask for them too.

It was all in due time, both of them had pasts to deal with and things to outgrow and learn. It was just a little hard, but nothing a soft touch couldn't fix.