Memories | Dazai X Reader

Nineteen • Repetition

"Shall we go, then?"

• • •

You nod at Dazai, watching him as he reaches for the door handle and opens it for the two of you.

He follows you to the car, feeling odd about the fact that he isn't the one that's driving, but then again—

Where were you two even going?

Taking his seat in the passenger seat, he waits for you to start the car. Dazai calls your name softly, making you turn your head to face him questionably. It stings a little, but he smiles lightly with that smile that never reaches his eyes.

"Where are we going, exactly?" he questions, maintaining eye-contact. "I know we're going to stargaze, but, where?"

Pausing for a moment, your eyes glance downwards for a second. "We went there often," you say, and there's regret in the way your voice sounded so apologetic. Like he was not meant to know that, or as if it would worsen things if you said it proudly.

Dazai nods in response, turning his head to look ahead of him again. You take the car out of park, and the rest of the car ride is filled with either small talk or complete silence.

At a red light, you hear a soft sigh from him. Normally, you would not be as focused on his actions because it wasn't nerve-racking. You did not always worry about what was next, but it's just with this Dazai–

"You don't have to be sorry about anything you say," he offers.

His gaze is fixed on the sidewalks ahead of him, and he hardly knows what his eyes are seeing. Maybe it's because he's nervous of doing something wrong, but something tells him that deceit was a significant issue in his life.

And that scares him.

Especially because he has no memory of what happened.

"It feels wrong," you sigh.

You look at him through the corner of your eye, and you can see him tense up. Not because of the response, not because of what he said, but because he can feel you staring at him.

Weirdly enough, you can't help but smile at that. It's a reminder that even if it doesn't feel like it did during months before the accident—

He's still the same as when you had met him.

Still, there is a part where it really sucks because it would take a while for Dazai to open up, and god knows how he actually feels about everything that is happening and has happened.

"So much for a second date, huh?" he chuckles, but his tone hints that it sounds like only he was supposed to hear that. "You shouldn't feel bad, I'm not hurt that I don't remember everything that we had gone through, and I know that sounds fucking terrible, but..."

It's progress, right?

"...I don't know how I feel. And I'm more mad at the fact that I can't feel for anyone nor can I hardly feel for myself." He keeps going, he doesn't want a reply to all of this yet. "But I do want to make this better. It's just hard because everything I have felt is locked away and forgotten—quite goddamn literally."

Dazai keeps going, carefully wording his thoughts.

"But no matter what happens, I know one thing—" he pauses, closing his eyes for a brief moment.

"—I will fall in love with you, no matter what it takes."

The silence after that is nothing more than comfortable. You both knew that there was nothing that needed to be said after that—or rather, that's what he assumes.

You stop the car on the side of the road where several others are parked. There are a few restaurants nearby.

"It's going to be okay," you tell him, reaching to unbuckle your seatbelt. He does the same motion, getting ready to step out of the car.

And it will, right?

It's not some sick twist? Surely this isn't all for nothing. There has to be a purpose.

Surely this isn't another lesson, Dazai can't help but think.

Another? He questions himself internally. By what does he mean another—does he remember something?

So while the two of you start to open the doors and step out, all Dazai is doing—

Think. Remember. Look back. Recall. Think. Remember. Look back. Recall. Think. Remember. Look back. Recall. Think. Remember. Look back. Recall. Think. Remember. Look back. Recall. Think. Remember. Look back. Recall.Think. Remember. Look back. Recall—

Yet there's still nothing.

Now for the rest of the night, his primary focus is back to you. He can try to remember later.

Obviously it'll get better.

...Obviously.

A/N: god i haven't written anything like this in so long i feel like i forgot everything. anyway, this book still doesn't have a regular schedule so i'll be posting whenever i can.