Memories | Dazai X Reader

Notes

A/N: welcome to my horrific notes where everything's a mess, but still thought out enough for me to make sense of. i can't believe that i didn't have the motivation nor time to write when i actually planned out a story properly from start to finish. anyway, have fun reading about what this story could've been i suppose. (I'm sorry that I couldn't get myself to finish this !)

these notes are messy, but to make them a little easier to read:
italics: actual narration/dialogue
regular: just me making sense of nothing
the dashes in front of the words indicate new ideas, and the dashes at the end just clarify who says it and/or when/where.

TW's mentioned in the introduction apply here.

• • •

relations:

fyodor > nikolai > sigma
dazai > oda > chuuya
fyodor > dazai
dazai > ango > oda
mori > dazai
sigma > dazai
dazai > verlaine
verlaine > chuuya

—nikolai tried to kill dazai in the car crash, because he wanted to be the one that could "one up" fyodor instead

—sigma dies. kills himself, actually.

he kept seeing lights surrounding him, except they weren't white. no...the lights had a feign resemblance of a casino and he laughed at the stupid thought. no sound comes out of his mouth at the rate he's falling at, but he knows that he doesn't regret this.
and he knows that he didn't deserve it, either.
one last word is said, and then his body makes impact with the ground.

—build both ango's and sigma's character

—ango kills himself after feeling too much pressure, a man who's life revolves around work broke under it. no clear description of his death, keep it vague. suicide note?? "if he ever gets better, remember me, Dazai." — ango

"if i had known that was going to be the last i was going to hug him, i would've held him longer." — oda

I don't think i've ever felt an emotion as strong as this. Even then, i am unable to comprehend what I am feeling. — oda in his own sort of letter? this gets published for the public after ango's death

—"i know that i would hate to be treated as something fragile after that," Chuuya says. "and Dazai's like that," Oda continues on what Chuuya was saying. "he'd snap. you don't want him to leave the house again, would you?" — chuuya, oda and [Y/N] privately speaking about dazai

—the first date is them going to a restaurant and Chuuya and Oda also come along and book separate seats just so they can watch them.

—Dancing in the kitchen at 3 a.m and dazai says I love you then

—it doesn't matter how many other girls i could've talked to, because in the end they were never you. no one could make me feel the way you make me feel, [Y/N]. and even if i lost my memories again, even if this happened a million times—it'll always be you. i'll always come back to you because, god, you're it for me. — dazai, after the love confession

—and then you start laughing. "what?" he asks, chuckling himself. you smile at him, "nothing, it's just that—" you pause, moving one of your hands to his pulse point on his neck. "i can feel your heartbeat." his face reddens the tiniest bit, still visible under the dark. etc etc... — [Y/N] and dazai in the middle of the night randomly

—"I swear." making this like extremely similar to "always together" from Chances except it's in this book

—Was it wrong to make so many promises?
It was never a mistake to make so many promises.
foreshadowing? i bet no one would even notice it

—oh my god manipulative mori?? not fucking surprising though.

"i care for my nephew very dearly, i couldn't wish that on anyone." — mori, either when he's speaking with fukuzawa or when he's talking to the "main four" of the story. (most likely fukuzawa and ranpo, though).

"why wouldn't it be me? Nikolai listened so easily because he'd do anything for Fyodor, unfortunately, i would do nothing for Dazai." — mori, when he confesses his whole idiotic motive.

so basically mori lied about dazai and fyodor knowing each other really well and having a rivalry (they've only HEARD of each other and fyodor mentioned his name one) and nikolai lost his shit, yeah (makes no sense, but none of it really does, now does it?)
like that one manga chapter where nikolai is all happy to see fyodor and he goes "i came to kill you first" or something similar.

—kind of feeling mori with a cane?? he could've been a better character if he wasn't a fucking p3do

—mori fakes care (what a big shocker, readers totally wouldn't see that coming) and dazai plays along with it even though he knows that it was all cause of mori because even if he doesn't remember the fucker, he didn't lose his intelligence.

—dazai moved out of mori's house at a young age, maybe 12 ish? or 13?
and he stayed at Verlaine's house.

"Dazai," Verlaine calls, his eyes are wide and he hasn't seen him in so long—
his eyes drift, catching ginger hair, and his lips part immediately in shock.
"little brother?" — this when they're all at the cafe and verlaine finds them.

—"Odasaku, what should i do?" — when chuuya gets mad because he never knew about verlaine. (might be changed).

—"I'm mad at the guy that couldn't even fucking remember anything," Chuuya yells. — this, maybe still while theyre in the cafe?

"Why didn't he tell me!?" Chuuya yells, a sob breaking out of his chest. He looks up, trying to make sure he doesn't start crying." I thought I was alone all this time," he rasps, throat tightening.

—"he lets his temper get the best of him, but he always comes back. it's not like him to leave, he's probably the most loyal person we've met." — oda to dazai

"the flags left Chuuya, they were his friends, and one by one they all left him." — oda to dazai

—"i want you," he glances up, looking at you eye-to-eye as his hands stay under your shirt, "to tell me what feels good." then he's lifting the shirt up, pressing soft kisses to your stomach as his eyes go half-lidded and unfocused.
"yes," he breathes out, almost like he meant to say that only to himself. — yeah, smut, basically.

—what about dazai with wet hair, only in a towel, and leaning against the doorframe.

—the end of the last chapter:
"Dazai, do you remember our first date?" you ask jokingly, not expecting anything of it. You smile as you continue what you were doing. "That time at the restaurant?" he questions, walking towards the couch that you're sitting on.
Your eyes widen and your head practically snaps in his direction. "Are you okay...?" he asks, an eyebrow raised as he lets a small laugh pass his lips.
"What was our first date like, Dazai?"
"Wow, [Y/N] you forgot, I'm ashamed," he chuckles, but before you can clarify, he continues, "that restaurant that i booked for us. god, and then chuuya and oda came and watched us."
He laughs, and he cups your cheek, "Please tell me you remember."
"Of course I do. How do you remember," you ask back, dumbfounded. Your heart feels like it's going to explode and you can't tell if you're insanely happy or if you're extremely nauseous because there's no way—
could he?
The hand cupping your cheek gently pulls you towards him and he kisses you softly. It's funny to him how every kiss feels like his first, but he dwells in it.
He pulls away only the slightest bit as he stares into your eyes with his own looking the softest they've ever been.
"How could I ever forget?"
—except i'll make it more emotional and detailed. it'd be a lot more emotional if there was an actual story to build it up with, oh well.

—honestly, i would want to keep going and maybe have a chapter just for dazai to hear about everything that had happened to him before, but i like the idea of leaving that up to the readers like how i did in Chances.