THE BEAST ─ five hargreeves

[ 074 ] a flying fire extinguisher smacks zara upside the head

LXXIV.

a   f l y i n g   f i r e
e x t i n g u i s h e r   s m a c k s
z a r a   u p s i d e   t h e   h e a d

—IT WAS A SUNNY, fine day as they walked along the bridge to the grassy knoll. The fickle November weather had turned again, and it was warm and bright. Piercingly blue skies stretched over the grounds, and the grass was showing emerald green. A bumblebee bumped against Zara's hand and then went on its way again.

A lovely day.

And if the world was going to end soon, then Zara decided it was an even lovelier day.

"What are you looking at?" muttered Five suddenly, startling a passerby. "See something funny? Asshole!"

Zara sighed. Not such a lovely day after all.

"Therapy parrot," she reminded him. "Focus on the therapy parrot."

Still muttering to himself, Five cradled Kiki to his chest. He had her swaddled in a blanket with just her little white head peeking through. Kiki could not understand why, but she liked being coddled and enjoyed the attention immensely. She made a noise like a child giggling.

An elderly lady regarded them suspiciously. Five scowled at her. "You wish you could pull off these shorts!" he snapped.

"Yeah, well, she can get in line," said Zara under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing. Drink more water," she commanded.

"But—"

"No buts. Or I take away Kiki. And for Heaven's sake, Five, stop yelling profanities at the pigeons. It startles them, the poor creatures. They're very sensitive."

Grumbling rude things to himself, Five took a swig of his water. He was sweating profusely again and she stopped to dab her handkerchief at his forehead. The sunlight reflected off his irises and gave his eyes an immediate impression of being just hard, ivory marbles with no colour at all.

"Paradox psychosis," she said.

"No," he murmured. "No—no, I'm fine. I feel fine. Honest."

"If you'd like," offered Zara, taking a brass object out of her bag, "I can hit you in the brainstem with this candlestick."

"What? Where'd you get that?"

"From the hotel. I figure it'd get to this point. You and homicidal rage? Not the greatest combination."

"Look, Zara," he said, quite serious. "In case I die, there's something I need to tell you."

Zara patted him on the shoulder comfortingly. "It's okay, Five. I've already made plans for your remains to be cremated and put in a baking soda volcano, just as you would've wanted."

"That's not what I would've wanted."

"Oh. Then you can take that up with Fred at the crematorium. It's a non-refundable deposit."

"You put a deposit down for me?" asked Five.

Zara nodded. "I figured if you die it'd be my parting gift."