THE BEAST ─ five hargreeves

[ 016 ] five breaks down in a plumbing van

XVI.

f i v e   b r e a k s   d o w n
i n   a   p l u m b i n g   v a n

—ZARA MADE HER WAY to a back alley behind the Umbrella Academy. There was a fire escape next to the dumpster, and she hoped to get into the building while attracting the least amount of attention possible.

Her plans, as usual, were foiled.

"Zara?" Klaus' scruffy head popped out of the dumpster, "Good of you to join us in the afterlife. That's Ben—" he pointed to his left, "—he's a bit of a prick but not that bad once you get to know him."

He was shuffling through the metal bin, knee deep in rubbish. Zara raised an eyebrow. Hadn't Number Six died ages ago?

"You know," continued Klaus, "I'm surprised you're not . . . bloodier. Must've hurt like hell being ripped to shreds by that monster in the bathtub," he whistled in sympathy, chucking a cardboard takeout container onto the pavement.

"Ah, right. About that—"

There was a noise from above, and Zara looked up to see Five climbing down the fire escape ladder. Kiki, who had been perched on his shoulder, swooped down with a nonsensical exclamation to nuzzle Zara's earlobe.

"See, Klaus?" Five called, skipping the last rungs to take a jump to the ground. "I told you she'd be fine."

Klaus looked at Zara in surprise, "You're not dead? I thought the crocodile killed you."

"No, no," Zara waved him off. "On the contrary, my friend."

Five crossed his arms. "The contrary?" he echoed, "So . . . you're saying you killed the crocodile?"

There was a pause.

"Yes," Zara lied carefully, "I was—I was hunting for crocodiles. That's why I had to go. I, um, work at an illegal exotic meat farm, and instead of raising the animals we just—" she gulped, "—steal them from zoos."

"That explains nothing," said Five.

Klaus waded through the dumpster to listen in on their conversation.

"Well, Zara," he said, taking a puff of his rolled joint, "I am glad you weren't eaten alive. Our brother, Ben, died a long time ago. And, to me, you're like a sister—"

"Thanks, Klaus."

"—in law."

Five narrowed his eyes, "What?"

"Yes. So, when's the wedding? Because I've given it some thought, and I think I'll be the best man, Diego will be the flower girl, and Luther can be the weird uncle who sits in the corner and smells like ham."

The boy sighed, "Klaus, we're not getting married."

"Yeah," Zara agreed, "Not like that, anyway. Obviously, Kiki should be the flower girl."

"We'll need to demote Diego to ring bearer, then," decided Klaus.

"Right. You think we can get Allison ordained as a minister?"

"I know a guy who can forge the papers."

Five threw his hands up in exasperation, and stomped down the alleyway, muttering rude comments to himself. He didn't know whether they were joking or not, but both possibilities got him flustered.

Stupid teenage hormones.

"Hey, hey, hey!"

Five turned at the sound of his brother's voice. Zara was grinning at him from her spot leaning against the dumpster, and he gave her a sarcastic smile in response.