THE BEAST ─ five hargreeves

[ 067 ] "i'm fine," and other lies five tells himself

LXVII.

" i ' m   f i n e , "
a n d   o t h e r   l i e s   f i v e
t e l l s   h i m s e l f

—ON THE FRONT steps of the Hillenkoetter mansion, Ralph opened the door in his usual eager, pouncing style. It was less like answering a bell, and more of a triumphant maneuver expressing the sentiment: I've caught you this time!

"Why, hello," he said.

There was a boy on the doorstep. A very sulky-looking boy in a blue blazer and a perpetual frown over the sharp, angular features of his face. Ralph grinned.

Five glared at him. Partly because he didn't like him, but mostly because Ralph was not, to Five's intense annoyance, wearing a shirt.

"Let me guess," said Five coldly, "you've just gotten back from a jog?"

"Yes, indeed," said Ralph. He smiled. "Y'know, Zar told me you were real sharp. Seems your reputation precedes you!"

"You know who else they called Zar? The Russian imperialist kings. And do you know what happened to them? They were gunned down by the Bolshevik revolutionists in '18."

"History," said Ralph appreciatively. "I was never much good at history. I had a teacher once, one of those old fashioned Victorian types—"

"No," said Five sternly, as if reprimanding an unruly puppy. He then stepped back a pace to distance himself from the strong odour of sweat and cheap cologne emanating from the doorway. Teenage boys were insufferable. They were the worst possible form of humanity. "Zara's missing and I'm running out of time. Where is she?"

"I don't know. Do you know?"

"If I knew, why would I be here? You think I've come to talk to you about the weather?"

"Ah, the weather. How I love the weather. Sizzling hot day, don't you think? Always is, after the rain—"

"Zara's missing!" It came out explosively, and then he paused to let the words sink in. "Did she come here to say goodbye to you?"

"I reckon she didn't," replied Ralph, looking quite perplexed by the question. Unsurprising. Five imagined all questions probably perplexed him.

For a second Five took some malicious pleasure in the realization that Zara had not considered Ralph important enough to bid a proper farewell to, but this schadenfreude was quickly dampened by the notion that time was running out and he hadn't an earthly clue where she was.

"I can help you find her," offered Ralph. "She and I know each other pretty well. Like Siamese cats."

"Siamese twins," corrected Five.

"I can be helpful," insisted Ralph. "I'm a real helpful person. We can be friends. Funny story, I once accidentally ate half a roll of electrical tape because I thought it was a Fruit Roll-Up that went bad, and—"

"Listen," interrupted Five, with slightly more venom than necessary. "This whole friend thing? I don't do it. Nothing personal."

It was, in fact, completely personal, but Five would rather not get into that. He had other things to focus on. Like shielding his eyes from this guy's blindingly white smile.