Hood Life and Love: I Am What I Am

Chapter 1

Four Years Later 

Have you ever been on a roller coaster? Not like the mine train at six flags. I'm talking bout a real daredevil, twist and turn all over the place roller coaster. You know the feeling you get when the roller coaster approaches that steep fall-off? When you're sitting in your seat and you can't see the next few tracks. Realistically, you know you're going to be okay. You know the rollercoaster is magnetized and will perform as it should. Yet your heart starts to beat faster and fear kicks in. 

Some people close their eyes to cope. Some people scream and some people love the thrill. I was neither of those people. I hated that shit. I hated how my stomach dropped with that fall. All I thought about on those roller coasters was how I was strapped to the seat. If anything happens, there ain't a damn thing I can do about it. I'd be at the mercy of the angle that I fell. I hated being at anything's mercy, which is why I avoided rollercoasters.

Sure I had been to theme parks. I liked the food and the games. I hated the rollercoasters. It took one of my brothers to tell me my issue was control. It was really the loss of it that I hated so much. I hated not being in control or not knowing what the fuck would happen next. 

Right now, that's how I felt. Like the wind was knocked out of me, my heart racing, blood pressure rising, and every corner of this room was a steep drop. I wanted to rage and scream at everyone around me, I wanted to knock on doors until I knew what was going on. On the outside, I was the perfect shell of control, but on the inside, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster that I knew for sure would be my last ride. 

"Anna?" 

"What!" I snapped, before lifting my eyes to meet soft brown ones. Terrance stood next to me. His eyebrows raised and his hand outstretched as if he was going to touch me. That would not end well for him. 

He knew better and his hand never connected. He was concerned. They all were, because anyone who knew me, knew that I was like a carefully contained bomb. Fragile and deadly. They knew I would gladly burn down this whole city to get to my biggest distraction and the love of my life.  

"Are you okay?" Terrance asked, his hand dropping to his side. 

Was that a trick question? Rhetorical maybe? Either way, it was one that did not have a simple answer. It seemed like it had been so long since I was okay. Nothing was okay. Christian had been missing now for three months. Three whole months that he should have been serving in prison. I had pulled out every favor, and had my people looking everywhere I could think of. I had twenty-four-hour lookouts on his mom and brother. I had done everything I could think of short of calling the police. Which I would never do.  At this point, I was starting to feel like I could do nothing. What if he wasn't even in Missouri?

"I'm fine," I said through clenched teeth. It was the best I could do. Fake it till I make it?

"No, you're not," Joey said, leaving his perch on the wall to come closer to me. 

I wanted to yell stop! I needed fifty feet and it felt like everyone was getting closer. "It's been three months Joey. If he wanted to be here, he would be."

That was where I was in my search. Where ever Christian was, he didn't want to be found. He didn't want me. The only information we had was that he had been released from prison early. Three months ago. He had known two months prior to his release and he said nothing. I had gone to see him every Monday and Wednesday for the last four years. Imagine my surprise when I went to see him only to be told he wasn't in residence there. They had lied and said he was switched to another prison. A quick search on inmate.com proved them wrong. 

It had come as a shock to know that Christian was no longer in the system. He was a free man. Yet he was not with me. I hadn't received so much as a fuck you. All these years of being faithful. All these years of building something for him to come home to. All for nothing.

I looked around at the guys as they all looked like they were expecting me to lash out at any second. Not knowing where Christian was initially had sent me on a little bit of a rampage. Pissed was too small a word to describe how I had handled that not knowing where he was. I had been livid. Taking my anger out on anything and everyone. I had started acting a fool. My friends though had been there every step of the way. Especially Terrance. Since he and I lived together he had received most of my vicious behavior. 

We were currently in the front office of Terrance's cleaners. It was time for our monthly meeting and all business had been handled. I had waited for us to check off everything else before bringing up Christian. Before the mood had been jovial and uplifting. Life was good right now, even for me.

We were all young and successful and finally ready to pass the torch of the streets the lil locs in the hood. Most of us were in our early twenties and had enough money to do whatever we wanted to. We had businesses and employees. We had property and respect. What started as a huge mistake had taken us a long way. The last few years had been easy, with little drama and a shit ton of money. Ten minutes ago we had been talking about Joey's wedding and it had been all laughs. 

Now, the mood turned somber and I knew there were no updates. The truth was at this point I had accepted that I had been dumped like a bad habit. I had come to terms with that for some reason Christian was keeping his distance and he didn't give a good God damn about me. All I wanted to know was why. I mean who did that? Every nigga dream is coming home from prison to a home-cooked meal and some pussy. 

I, however, had more than pussy to offer. I had half my closet filled with clothes and shoes for him. He had a spot on my dresser with colognes I longed to smell on him. I was in the process of buying a house so he could come home to a place that was ours. He has an SS Monte Carlo sitting in my garage. Everything I had done, every move I had made had been for us. We had a fucking plan and for some reason, he had aborted the mission, without telling me.

"Man fuck that nigga," Leo said randomly in the quiet basement.

I blinked away the tears that threatened to fall and laughed a little. Soon we were all laughing and Terrance finally came closer and slung an arm around my shoulders. "I second that," he said.

I still felt like someone had hit me in the stomach, but I knew being angry at them was not right. These men in this room had had my back when Christian didn't. They were largely responsible for me not spiraling out of control too much. They didn't deserve my anger. Christian though, if I ever saw him again was gonna feel me. 

I now owned a recording studio, complete with an LLC and a high-class house of pleasure. Charlie was in college playing football. Joey owned a funeral home that doubled as a fight club at night. He was getting married in two weeks. Dale and Sara were a duo rap team, who came to the studio regularly. They were actually really good.  Montel was a nurse at St. Louis University Hospital. Leo was still doing Leo, although he had three kids now and two baby mamas. He had become a counselor for newly released prisoners. Terrance was running the cleaners and my sister still ran the Club House. 

We were all on to bigger and better things. Sure we were still criminals because let's be real our business' didn't exactly pay the bills and our families. We didn't all deal with drugs though, just other stuff. I was in my prime and life was good. If I could just make my heart stop hurting, I could enjoy it.