pending ✓

fifty-eight

harry

"What did I do, when I came in here, manic?" I asked hesitantly. 

"When?" Ryan asked.

"I don't know. I don't remember any of it." I cried out frustrated at myself. He's probably fed up of me.

"It's okay sweetheart." Chelsea rubbed my shoulder, her arm around my neck.

She was sat on a bar stool next to me and she refused to leave my side. I really liked her now. 

Whilst I was texting dragon, she came and visited me in the bar often, telling me stories about the drama in the coffee shop she worked in.

I realised I'd seen her before when going to get coffee for hangovers. 

I frowned at the thought of dragon.

"I know I came in here, that's all I remember, so just tell me what I've done recently in here, please." I asked Ryan. I was such a bother. He probably wished he never met drunk me saying happy birthday to him on his twentieth.

"Well, you came in here four days ago, finally talking to me," I frowned when he said that, "and you seemed drunk without alcohol. You told me, I'm in New York and started singing the song. You messed up the lyrics.

It was quite funny. You sang, in New York, cunty jugglers where dreams are made fun of, there's nothing you, and then you coughed loudly and I had to give you water, cunt do. Then you started crying because Sparks started playing. You didn't tell me why.

Then you drank a ton and I had to walk you home. You cried on the way home and said your uncle was going to ruin your happy mood, and I didn't know why.

You came back the next day and drank a bunch again, talking about butterflies being pretty but you wouldn't touch one. And you were definitely drunk because you started saying you wanted to go back to Hogwarts and put a nose on Voldemort's body, but he faded away so you couldn't. 

You cried about that too.

You then jumped off the bar and hurt your arm. But you didn't feel it and said, I'm invincible, I'm superman and no one can stop me. What's that Hulk? Yeah I'll spar you!"

Chelsea laughed. 

"The next day, you waltzed in wearing pyjamas, which earned you funny looks, but some people cheered you on and said confidence girl! I laughed so hard at that. Then you asked for a random drink that never existed." He paused. "Chicken moonlight with a side of apple bottom jeans, jeans, boots with the fur, with the fur! You sang it so fast you started hiccupping."

I couldn't help but laugh at my stupidity.

"I walked you home again and said, peppa pig's dad's left toenail can't hurt my feelings. I'm on top of the world, I'm invincible, nothing can stop me. The world is at my feet. Oh my god, I should go solve a crime. Brooklyn Nine Nine, I'm joining the crew. I had to shush you because you started humming the theme tune obnoxiously loud, and it was five in the morning."

Chelsea asked for shots for us and raised the little glass, "To manic Harry, the detective singer!"

I felt so stupid, but I toasted with her. I missed alcohol, but it seems I've had enough recently; I just don't remember it.

"Yesterday, you erm," Ryan was hesitant to continue. "You came in yesterday and started rambling about how life is unfair and how mould and noseless should've offed me. How stupid of him to mess up. I was rather confused.

About twelve shots later, you really got into it. You told me about, erm, your, erm attempt."

I paled at that, and I felt Chelsea stiffen. She never let go of me though.

"You told me that, erm, you slit your wrists and took forty paracetamols and it landed you in the hospital. And then the mental hospital. And you went on a rant about how much you hated it there. You said you had your coping mechanisms taken from you but you never told me what. You did this."

He mimed zipping his mouth and then locking it, and throwing the key far away. "You wanted another shot, so you crawled on the floor to find the key. Once you did so, you unlocked your mouth and took a shot. To alcohol! The reason why I'm spilling all my secrets. Oh no, no more alcohol, I might get more secrets spilled. Get more? Get more? You confused yourself and said get more about eight times after.

I called Chelsea, because I was worried. She was here for all of the next bit, but went home shortly before you did.

Mania must've kicked in again because you started giggling, yes giggling, and stood up on your stool and sang All The Single Ladies, and all the single ladies joined in. You jumped down and asked for more shots because you remembered something. You said, I really miss him. He made me feel really okay. I think I might've fallen for him. He was good to me, you know that Ryden. Ryden? Ryan. Ryan?

I laughed and told you it was Ryan. You said, I'm sorry, I know your name. I promise. But I wasn't offended and that calmed you a bit. You told me how mysterious him made everything feel better, even though it wasn't. 

You gasped and looked up at me and said, oh no. You don't support me do you. You won't like that I like girls and boys. I'm sorry. And I came round and hugged you, just like I did when you told me about your attempt. The alcohol and mania made you more vulnerable, and I did something I should've done ages ago.

I took you home. I left before my shift ended, telling my manager what happened. I explained the whole mania thing and how you had become sad, really sad again. I walked you home and you explained how much you missed "dragon" and how you almost talked to him a few times."

"I didn't, did I?" The first thing I asked about the whole recap was about dragon. Get a hold of yourself, Harry.

"No. You just sulked. You got happy again and ran into the road and almost got hit by a car. I scolded you for that and you cried, and told me how I was like the father you never had, because he was taken away from you so long ago. You cried again. You went into your house crying, and as I walked away, I heard shouting."

Oh fuck.

"I walked towards your house, worried, because me and Chelsea never forgot how your uncle acted when we drove you home months ago. I heard yelling and shouting and a loud, awful thud. The walls actually shook a bit. I heard a loud scream a minute after and I wanted to walk up to the door and ask what happened.

I did, and I met a red-faced man who told me to fuck off, and that he dropped his tv on his foot. I realised he was lying. I realised he was "peppa pig's dad's left toenail", the one who you said wouldn't hurt your feelings."

I didn't want to look at him anymore. He knew everything now.

"Harry?" His eyes bored into mine when I looked up. "Was he the one who did this to you? Was he the reason you've come in here so many times with bruises, and looking like every movement hurt?"

I wanted to cry again, because the answer was so obvious and I knew I couldn't lie about it. I didn't want to lie anymore. I didn't want to be Perfect Potter. I wanted to be me.

longest chapter of this book tbh