Taylor Swift Imagines

Roasting show

A/N: I've recently started a new Taylor novel called Dear Future Girlfriend. Check it out if you would like. 

Also, I have no idea what this is, I had the idea when I was watching the Jonas Brothers Family Roast.

"Terrified right now but thank you guys for the warm welcoming. Ahh, finally, I was waiting for this moment in my entire life. This is amazing" you chuckled as you walked up on stage. 

Ellen DeGeneres was hosting a roasting show tonight and since you were a comedian actress, it seemed to be a good idea to ask you to roast the people the TV host invited. 

"Hi everyone! I'm honored and so thrilled to be here tonight to roast everyone, especially my wife, Taylor Swift and her best friends, whose names I don't remember" the audience chuckled along with Taylor's friends. "Thank you Ellen for the opportunity. So, my name is Y/N Y/L/N and I'm from the UK. A country rich in culture, in music, in entertainment, so clearly Taylor Swift didn't make it over there" you were a little afraid to face your wife so you just started down at your shoes and giggled slightly. "Taylor and I have a 10-year age gap. We teach each other things. A lot of things actually. She showed me how to use a push-button phone and I showed her what a successful acting career looks like" the audience laughed at your joke, even you find yourself hilarious. 

Of course you had been preparing for this night a lot but there were a couple of things you just improvised. You tried not to hurt anyone with your jokes but it was kind of impossible. It was a roasting show after all. 

"No, seriously though, I do want to talk about how much I love my wife and what I love about her. One of the many things I adore in my wife is how much we have in common. For instance, we're both totally, completely, wholly obsessed and I mean OBSESSED with Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift, both of us. She's our favorite, honestly" you looked at Andrea, Taylor's mom to make sure she enjoys the night as well. You never wanted to make a bad impression on her but when you saw her wiping away a few tears from laughing, your nerves calmed down. 

"I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else, guys. I'm serious. Unless, of course, Sarah Paulson suddenly became single. Might change things" you looked at Taylor and saw her eyes full of love for you. God, how much you love this woman. 

"A lot of you might have no idea but Taylor had a purity ring" you waited a few minutes to continue your story. "For those of you who don't know, purity rings are worn to demonstrate that you're abstaining from sex before marriage. Let me tell you, the ring weren't a good idea" you playfully shook your head, already preparing yourself for your next lines knowing, that you will never be able to face Taylor's mom again. 

"It was more than a gesture. This was about faith, about principle. This was about taking a stand and setting an example. Look, Taylor Swift wasn't just sticking her fingers in some dumb metal rings. She was sticking her fingers in co-stars, actress, singers and even a supermodel or two. To be honest, Taylor and the purity ring thing was kind of like a modern day Cinderella. I mean, Tay tried to find the perfect match for his purity rings a few times, but finally, the finger fit me. It was also like Cinderella because most of the girls and boys she tried it with were under contract to Disney" you looked at Taylor, you were dying to see her reaction. She laughed at you and playfully mouthed an 'Are you crazy?' looking to your direction. 

"I must love her because I moved to America to be with her" a loud 'aw' were heard from the audience. "It hasn't been without its challenges. The terminology, for one, has been a bit of a struggle. In America, you say zucchini, in England we say courgette. In America, the bits on the side of the road are called sidewalks, in England, pavements. Interestingly, on this side of the Atlantic, the musical Taylor is in called Cats. Whereas, in England, it is called a load of shit. I said when I started acting that I would never date an actress but after I saw Cats, I knew it was safe to date Taylor" you smiled a little at yourself. "But enough about my wife, we've still got people to roast here, plus Tay just dropped her new re-recording, who would want a divorce album now, right?" you laughed and looked at Shawn, on of Taylor's best friend. He was also invited to the show. 

"So, Shawn" you smiled at your friend who nervously waved a little. "I did love him as a teenage girl, even had his posters on my wall. I mean, come on, he was hot, right?" the audience cheered loudly. "He helped me figure out who I was as a person. I'll never forget being a young girl in Oxford, staring at a picture of Shawn Mendes and thinking: 'maybe I'm into girls.' "the boy laughed and clapped his hands.

"It's crazy how Shawn is in his late 20s and I can still grow more facial hair than you. Weird flex but here we are. I know my strengths and weaknesses, okay?" you looked at the celebrities who were sitting next to Ellen, waiting patiently for you to roast them. "Speaking of weaknesses, Justin Bieber is also here!" your eyes instantly searched for Selena in the audience. You knew the girl's also here tonight as a guest.

"He's my favorite tho, because he makes you believe that anyone can be a pop star. ANYONE. If I would see a picture of him next to Shawn and Taylor, - which clearly won't happen because of.. come on, we all know why it's not gonna happen - I would think 'Wow, Shawn and Taylor really are close with their drug dealer." Everyone started laughing but Justin doesn't seem to enjoy the night. He rudely scoffed and rolled his eyes. You couldn't care less. 

"Who's here tonight I haven't roasted yet? Ah, Joe Jonas. I didn't forget about you! I mean, I did from 2008 to 2015, but not tonight!" you waved to him. "Imagine planning a super cool comeback and you can't even spell DANCE correctly. I'm a big fan..." you paused. "...of your brother, Nick. He's song 'Jealous' is pretty cool. Although, it would've been way more believable if Kevin was singing it" you smiled.

The night was amazing, Ellen did a really great job with this idea. Everyone was cool with the bullying and you definitely had a lot of fun. 

Of course Taylor was the first one to gratulate you in your changing room. 

"You were amazing, baby! I didn't know you could be that funny."

"Okay, I see, a star is boring" you laughed at Taylor and pulled her closer to you. "You know that most of the things I've said back there was because of fun. I think you're an amazing actress, singer and wife" you smiled when she kissed your nose.

"I know. I wasn't offended, not even for a second. Not like Justin, oh my god, have you seen his face?" your wife laughed. 

"The real question is, have you seen Selena's face? I bet she was extremely proud of me" you smiled back at Taylor.

"Oh, she really was. She texted me 10 minutes ago to tell you that you did amazing!"

Taylor couldn't stop telling how proud of you she was and it meant everything to you. You were grateful to have her by your side, to have such an amazing woman in your life that you get to call your wife.